Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!usc!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!bonnie.concordia.ca!nstn.ns.ca!ac.dal.ca!vt102 From: vt102@ac.dal.ca Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: A meets D (Repost, ask and ye shall get) Message-ID: <1992Feb26.122121.3813@ac.dal.ca> Date: 26 Feb 92 16:21:21 GMT Organization: Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada Lines: 477 It was a cold night. Absolutely cold. Absolutely dark, and very very empty. In the distance, if there had been eyes to see it, they would have seen a sight that few people at all ever see (unless they go to movies a lot). Travelling at well over warp one, warp two, or a whole lot of other warp factors, came the U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-D, the new version, and we shall follow them through their newest adventure on board the new enterprise, in this, STAR TREK, THE NEXT GENERATION MEETS THE FIRST GENERATION (AND MAYBE SOME IN BETWEEN) THE MOTION PICTURE (EVEN THOUGH IT'S REALLY THE SEVENTH STAR TREK FILM). "Captain's log, stardate 4321.0. We have been in orbit of the Earth of 1991 for two weeks. after we came here to escape the Federation's pursuits of the Enterprise after our saving of the klingon-human peace treaty. They wanted to decommission this vessel, but they will not succeed. I intend to run until I can no longer, or until my toupee needs washing." With a satisfied look on his face, Captain James Tiberius Kirk replaced the automated log recording module into its receptacle, and looked at the viewscreen. It was currently showing a view of a drive-in movie somewhere outside San Francisco. "It's a bitch to park this thing in one of those little spaces, and why try to sneak the entire crew into the trunk of a car when we can watch it from orbit anyway?" Kirk had said to Spock in their token argument over laws. On the bridge were Kirk, Spock, Chekov, and ensign Booger, manning the helm in Sulu's absence. As usual, Chekov was staring intently at the screen while Spock and Kirk made bets as to how long it would take for him to blink. "Captain, I find it most unusual as to why Mr. Chekov would not desire to blink his eyes while regarding the movie. Furthermore, It seems totally illogical that he would be so interested in the human sexual act anyway. Five credits says he won't blink till it's over." said Spock in his dry way. "Spock, how can you say that? of course he's staring at the movie! This is Debbie does Dallas! It's a classic! how can one not stare? By the way, Spock, why are you still calling me Captain? Try to be more casual." Spock thought this over. Naturally, the captain would side with Chekov, they were both human. And as for his being more casual in the future, he would try his best given the research into this era's slang and popular speech he had done. "Mr Scott, this is Kirk. why don't you come up to the bridge, we should be trying to get back home soon, and I want to make one final bet before we leave. Chekov looks like he's in some kind of coma." "Well, sirrr, I'll trrry mae best, but Ae dinna know if Ae can make it up now. Put me down for twenty though." came out of Scotty's voice, down in engineering. "Very well, mr. Scott, I'll put you on the board. You should make it up sometime though, come on, try it! you may like it!" "Er, well, sir, Ae'll trrry, but Ae'm going over some, aaahhh, things down here, and Ae'll drop up later. hee hee" "Mr Scott, was that a laugh I heard? A female laugh? One that sounded in the midst of sexual ecstasy?" Kirk looked into the intercom. "Ahhhhh, no sirjustanoisemustgonowScottout" Kirk smiled to himself in happiness. "It's about time that bastard got laid" he thought to himself. "Spock, are your calculations ready for the return to our own time period yet?" Spock turned from his station to look at Kirk. "better try some of that casual speech now" thought Spock to himself. "Kirkaromski, asking for the calculations, yeah baron von kirk miester, the big Kman, Kirk-a-lurky, one and only kirkalonious, Evel Kirkaneviel, yeah." "Ah, Mr Spock, what do you think you're doing?" "Jimboooooo, asking me what I'm doing, the space stud, the man in charge, the grand fromage homme, Lord duke Jim." "Mr Spock maybe you can try a different for of casual speech next time. do you have those calculations?" "Sorry sir. The calculations are ready. I guessed the hell out of them this time." "Good work, Spock. We leave orbit in one hour be ready." ----------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------- "Captain's log, stardate 8943.2. The Enterprise has been ordered to starbase 126352347651293864196 in order to pick up a former crewman and friend -Wesley Crusher, and take him on as a fully commissioned member of the crew. His results at his graduation were revealed to be the best ever, and it is for this reason that I have given him his old spot on the bridge, as helmsman. While we are at starbase 126352347651293864196, we will also be fitted with a new type of experimental warp drive, said to be able to produce speeds greater than transwarp drive and even greater that the rise of inflation." "Captain, I'm picking up our destination on sensors now. should we place in a standard orbit around the starbase, sir?" "No Data, let's try something a little different, shall we? I want you to initiate a saucer separation and place the stardrive section in orbit backwards, and the saucer rolling along behind it. Understood?" "Very well, sir. Saucer now separated, settling into planned orbit now." "Damn! thought Pickard to himself."Nothing fazes him!" Pikard looked at the broadly grinning face of Riker, and grudgingly handed him ten credits. "Next time, Will." Said Pikard. In engineering, Laforge looked lovingly at the diagrams of the ship on the wall before him. Then, removing his visor, he took a strip of paper, turned around three times, then wildly stuck the paper on the wall. On the paper was a picture of a warp Nacelle. Putting his visor back on, he looked at dismay at where he had put it. it wasn't even touching the ship. "Well, Reg, looks like you win again." he said to Reg Barkley. "I'm getting tired of this game. There must be some better way of passing time than playing pin the engine on the ship." "Well," said Barkley "We could go down to La Holodeck for some fun and times." said Barkley with an expectant look on his face. "Wanna go?" "Sure, sounds great. Let's go." said Laforge as they walked out. hey arrived on holodeck 4, the largest one on the ship. It was lucky for them it wasn't booked. "what program do you want to run, Reg? sports?" asked Laforge. He felt like a good game of B- ball. "Ah, sure, Geordi, let's try one of mine." said Barkley absent-mindedly." Doesn't matter which one, I guess." "Fine," said Laforge. "Computer, Initiate Barkley sports program, random selection." "Acknowledged, initiating program five." said the computer. For a minute, Barkley waited, the looked shocked. "NO! COMPUTER! CANCEL PROGRAM FI-" It was too late. Before them stood Deanna Troi, wearing a leather bodysuit with holes cut for the breasts and crotch. She was holding a whip, and screaming for the two of them to take of their clothes before the program stopped and then disappeared, leaving Geordi and Barkley to stare at each other. "Ah, Geordi, let me explain. You see, ..." "Don't try to explain Reg. I don't want to know. Tell you what. you go back to engineering, I'll catch up in a little while. Since I'm here, I may as well get some work done. " After Barkley left, Geordi looked around, and moved to go himself. before he got to the door, he said "Computer, copy program Barkley five and name the duplicate Geordi five-b." He was about to do a test run before the red alert sounded. ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ On the bridge, Everything was as normal, except there was a red alert on and every one was desperately trying to perform their duties, report to the captain, and think of an excuse to stand beside Worf so that they could look down Troi's uniform top like he always does. Pikard came out of his ready room and moved for the command chair. He was about to ask what had caused the alert when he saw it on the screen himself. There was a greenish nebula-like haze in front of the ship, also orbiting starbase 2634673547365167. "Data, reunite the saucer section, and raise shields. Riker, I want you to- Riker? What the devil is everyone doing at Mr Worf's station? Riker, get down here!" Everyone looked startled, then cleared their throats in unison and shuffled off to their stations, leaving worf to look pleased and Troi looking confused at what every man on the bridge found so interesting about Worf's console. When Riker sat down next to Pikard, he said, "Captain, this mass appeared in orbit a few minutes ago. I sounded the red alert when Lt. Worf detected a solid mass forming in the centre of it." "very well. Mr. Worf, what do sensors show now?" "Still indeterminate yet, sir, but it seems to be a starfleet vessel of the constitution class, with some battle damage, and a bad paint job." Said Worf in his subwoofer voice. All eyes but Worf's were fixed on the viewscreen. In the middle of the mass, a ship came out. everyone recognized it instantly, except for Wesley, but that was only because he didn't have his contacts in. "it's the enterprise A!" said Riker loudly. the intercom buzzed. "Captain" said Guinan from the intercom" Is everything all right up there?" "Guinan, what do you mean?" "Well, this doesn't seem right somehow." "OF COURSE IT'S NOT RIGHT YOU DIZZY BITCH! A STARSHIP JUST CAME OUT OF A TIMEWARP STRAIGHT AT US! DOES THAT SOUND NORMAL TO YOU?" "Actually Captain, I meant it seems a little hot. Could you turn down the ship's thermostat a little?" "Oh, sorry. there." said Pikard, twisting the big dial that took up the entire left panel on the arm of his chair. The knob on his other panel was what switched the main viewscreen between an external view and HBO. "My God! " said Pikard. "Is that what I think it is? Is that the Enterprise A?" "Wasn't that ship destroyed years ago?" asked Wesley, squinting at the screen in between putting in his contacts. "That is correct Wesley. The Enterprise A was destroyed exactly 87.346744743 years ago in battle with the Ferengi, after the Federation's first contact with that race." "Recommend we destroy that ship, and take their women, sir." said Worf in his usual manner. "Mr Worf, that is one thing we cannot do. By destroying that ship, we may be damaging the future. And besides, how can we get their women? we can't beam them out , their shields are up." Said Pikard. "Data, transmit to the Enterprise A: This is Jean-Luc Pikard of the Enterpr- I mean the, ahhh, boob! yes, that's it! This is The Boob. Do you require assistance?" On Board the Enterprise A things were just as bad. "Spock, sensor scan. What kind of Ship is that? " Said Kirk. "Big one" Thought Spock as he leaned over his sensor hood and hoped that McCoy wouldn't take this opportunity to goose him like he usually does. "The ship conforms to starfleet construction standards, sir, but there have been many advancements made. Also, I detect a WHOA!" Spock yelled and stood straight, everyone on the bridge looking at him and McCoy, standing behind him and trying to hold in his laughter and still stand up. "Doctor, please. this is serious. Spock?" said Kirk. "Yes, sir. As I said, that could be a federation vessel in the future. It is probable that we have overshot our mark in the time jump and have arrived in the future. That could be the next class of starship." "Right. Send to the unknown ship. This is the starship Enterprise. We are lowering shields and allowing you to beam over." Riker turned to Pikard. "Captain, I want to get over there." "Make it so, number one. " said Pikard. Riker Stood up, and surveyed the bridge personnel. "Data, Worf, Deanna, let's go." Beaming directly to the bridge of the Enterprise A, the away team startled the crew quite a bit... "AAAAAAAA!" screamed Kirk, as Troi's busom appeared directly if front of him. Chekov instantly looked her over, and got his stare started up again. They didn't find Worf quite as attractive. "What the hell is a Klingon doing on my ship?! Get him off!" Yelled Kirk. "Captain, I'm Wil Riker, First officer of the Enterprise. In the future, the Klingons are our allies. I think the best course of action here is to get you all back to your own proper time period so that the timelines won't be distorted any more than they have to be. For these reasons, I think it best if nobody from your ship beams over to the Enterprise D, and we isolate ourselves as well, in order to prevent the kind of thing your weapons officer is trying." All eyes turned to Chekov, where he was leaning over his console, talking to troi and sneaking in a quick feel where possible. He was about done his contour mapping of her body when Riker landed a hand to the back of his head. "Lay off, Russkie! she's my babe! Go find yourself some cheap sweatie down in engineering or something!" He bellowed, causing Chekov to bolt for the turbolift. just before the doors closed, he gave his destination. "deck fifteen, Lighthouse section!" "Well, then, I guess that's that. I agree totally with you, Riker. I'll not beam any of my crew over to your ship, and you will do likewise, except to go back yourselves. But this I have to know: who wins the world series, 2344?" Said Kirk. "Well, ahem, ahh, I really should be going now." Tapping his communicator, he said to beam back the away team."We'll contact you when we have our calculations done. by the way, the winners are ..." Just then the transporter cut in, and the team vanished. "God damn it! Why do the transporters always make things so frigging hard for me to find out things?!!" Asked Kirk. "Captain, I do not think you should have asked such a thing of Riker. He is a Starfleet officer, and it is against regulations for us to gamble, or to condone it." Said Spock. "What the hell do you think we were doing while Chekov was watching that movie then, you stupid pointy-eared dry faced never laughing green blooded quim head?" asked McCoy angrily. "Doctor, It is illogical for you to think you can insult me by calling me green blooded, since that is what I am, and nothing can change the fact. It would be as fruitless for me to attempt to insult you by reminding you of your IDIOTIC PRACTICE OF FEELING UP YOUR FEMALE PATIENTS EVERY TIME THEY GO UNDER ANISTETHIC!!!!" "Oh yeah? Well I wouldn't feel you up if you were a female deltan, you freak!" screamed McCoy. "Gentlemen, gentlemen, that's enough of that for now. Spock, call Chekov back to the bridge, and assume a standard orbit behind the Enterprise D. Doctor, I want you to apologize to Spock." "Why do I always have to apologize? He always starts it!" asked McCoy "Come on doctor, do it." said Kirk. "Oh, all right. Spock, I'm sorry you're a quim head" McCoy said, then ran laughing off the bridge before anyone could catch him. Back on the Enterprise D the away team had just gotten back to the bridge. Riker took his seat, and let out the hugest farting noise anyone has ever heard. Getting up, he grabbed the woopie cushion and held it in the air. "All right, who's the wise guy?" He asked. "snicker snicker" "Lt. commander Data, is something funny?" said Riker. "No sir, I think I may have(snicker) gas. " "I see, well, see that you get yourself fixed." said Riker as he sat back down in his seat, on a second woopie cushion. At this, the entire bridge crew erupted in laughter, even Pikard. "No damn respect" Riker said to himself under his breath. "Captain, the starbase has completed the installation of our new experimental warp drive and we are to proceed to the Beluga sector, there to begin testing after we assist the return of the Enterprise A to its proper time period." reported Data. "Very well, Data. Plot a course to the Beluga sector and proceed at warp three. Engage." The two starships tore off at warp three, but Kirk wasn't too happy about that. "Is warp three all those boneheads can manage?" asked Kirk to himself. "Engineering, this is the captain, we're going to race to the Beluga sector, can your damn bairns take the strain?" "Well, sir Ae can git warp 9 and change out of 'er, but I cannae do better than that for ye." "Roger, Scotty. We'll do what we can." said Kirk with a smile on his face. "prepare for top acceleration, ensign Booger." "You got it, guy" said booger, as he put his hand on the warp shift lever, and got ready on the clutch." "Spock, scan the Enterprise D. What can their engines do in comparison to ours?" queried kirk. "Perhaps the Captian would be more receptive to a new form of casual speech at this time." thought spock. "Well, homey," he said, as he put on a pair of dark glasses, "She's a bitchin' ride capie, but but don't forget that this sled can haul ass too boyeeeeee!" As he finished his statement, he crossed his arms with his index fingers out, as he had seen users of this dialect do. It failed to achieve its intended affect, though, and left the entire bridge crew to stare at him. "What the hell did you say, Spock?" asked McCoy. "I said we have a good chance at beating them, Doctor, did you not understand me?" "Understand you? I don't even know what language you were using!" the doctor was becoming upset. "Well, doctor, I managed to understand it, and it's a version of YOUR language. So there." "Oh yeah?!" McCoy said, "Come here and say that, pus-face!" Spock was on his way to get him when he thought of a better idea and just ripped his chair out of its mount and lobbed it at him, across the bridge. McCoy dodged it, and started throwing various things back, that were lying around his side of the bridge. Spock was going for his phaser when Kirk stepped between the two. "All right, all right you two! Doctor, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave the bridge." Kirk said, trying to sound as kind as he could. "awww! You always punish me, never the Vulcan! Why do I have to leave?" McCoy said. "Spock stays because he works here, now go!" Kirk said, now getting angry himself. McCoy pouted, then shruged off the bridge. "Engine room, begin buildup for jump." said Kirk into his chair. "Aye'Aye sir." said Scott and turned off the intercomm. He got up, and moved over to a large lever set into the floor in the center of engineering. "All right, yae dirty dictator, you want speed, here it is!" scott said and pulled the lever from "NORMAL USE" past "FAST" and "REAL FAST" right into "SUCK THEIR DOORS OFF!" On the Enterprise D, Data's sensors piked up the surge. "Captain, I am picking up an energy buildup on the Enterprise A. It is consistent with the buildup needed for a sudden jump in warp speed." he said, worried. "I think they want to race" he said. "So they want to race do they?" said Riker. What do you think sir?" "Well, we can't let that bunch of old men go back in time without showing them who's boss, can we?" Engineering, this is Pikard. Prepare to engage maximum warp." For a while, the two ships stayed at warp three alongside each other, revving their warp engines, and the crews of each ship gathered in the windows facing the other vessel, and giving them the finger, and other assorted rude gestures. Then the Enterprise A took a long run, and shot out a good two lengths in front of the Enterprise D. Pikard took this as the final straw, and ordered warp 9. The Enterprise D's engines flashed a blue light, then the ship stretched out like it was made of rubber, then snapped away at warp 9. On the viewscreen of the Enterprise A, the crew watched, amazed. "Great warp effect." said chekov. "OK, that tears it!" said kirk, and got on the intercom. "All hands, prepare for warp 9.5! Scotty, let's get those bastards!" The Enterprise A whimpered, then took off down a tunnel of pretty rainbows. "Captain, the Enterprise A has accelerated to warp 9.5, and is gaining on us! At her present speed, she will overtake us in- oops, there she goes." on the viewscreen, the Enterprise A shot by, with the words 'Eat Our Warp Field' hastily painted along her back. Pikard took one look at this, and turned to Data. "Data! can we catch them?" "We are now at warp 9.65, sir. we will catch them in ten seconds. " said Data, but then he looked at his console. " Captain! the Enterprise A has now accelerated to warp 9.9!" She's getting away!" Pikard jumped from his seat, and strode to the centre of the bridge, between the ops and navigation consoles. "Damn them Data! go to warp 9.999!" " Aye, sir, warp 9.999 engaged." data checked his readings, then looked at Pikard. "Captain, the Enterprise A has matched our speed and is still out in front." " By how far?" asked Pikard. "Approximately 230.328646856 kilometres, sir." "Time to the Beluga sector?" "Our E.T.A. is now one hour, thirty eight minutes, sir." "Pikard to engineering. Mr Laforge, I want you to engage the new experimental warp drive. We can't let ourselves get beaten by a starship almost eighty years old!" "Yes, sir. I'll power up the new drive, and have it engaged in about a minute." said Laforge over the intercom. Down in Engineering, Laforge strode around, looking over everyone's shoulders. "Ok, people, I want the new drive running now! let's go!" Laforge sat at his console and began diverting power from the ship's schools and civilian section life support to the new warp drive. Designed by professor Mitchell, Graduate of the Bill&Ted Institute of awesome engineering, the new warp engines could propel the ship to into 'Gnarlywarp', said to be even faster than the Boguswarp drive, which failed in the experimental stages. Laforge powered them up, checked the circuits, and engaged the drive. On the screen of the Enterprise A, the Enterprise D emitted an even bigger flash from her engines, red this time, then stretched away from the Enterprise A again, corkscrewing this time. Seeing this, Kirk knew he was beaten. He slumped into his seat, and ordered to proceed to the Beluga sector. When they got there, the Enterprise D was sitting in the centre of the sector, revving their engines and locking up the front space brakes so that the ship peeled around in circles. When the Enterprise A approached, it stopped spinning, and came to a rest so that the two ships faced each other. "Captain Pikard, this is Kirk. You won this time, but you cheated by using those special engines. Next time, I'll have the Excelsior. " Pikard stood, looking at Kirk on the screen. "We'll see, Kirk." he said, turning to worf and running his hand by his neck. Worf cut the connection, and Pikard went back to his seat. "Data, transmit the coordinates of the black star to the enterprise A, and tell them that they may proceed with the timewarp any time." "Aye sir, the Enterprise A has received the transmission and is proceeding to the specified coordinates." "Transporter room, this is Kirk. do we have that little suprise ready?" "Aye, sir. Ready to go." "Energize." said Kirk, kowing he would have the last word for now. As the Enterprise A shot around the star and back to its own time, Pikard turned to Riker and sighed in relief. "Well, thank God that's over." he said to Riker. "Pikard to engineering, how did the new engines perform?" "Well enough to send that old crate packing, sir. It was a good test. Recommend that we return to starbase 126352347651293864196 and report." Pikard was about to agree, but then the bridge was filled with the faint humming of a transporter beam, which grew steadily louder. Seconds later, the bridge was filled to the ceiling with tribbles, Clogging LaForge's visor, making annoying squishing noises under Data's feet, and chasing Worf into a corner with a trrified look on his face. "Data! forget the starbase! beam these things off my bridge!" Pikard ordered. After the tribbles had disappeared, Pikard sat in his chair, annoyed. "Data, I want you to start making calculations for a time jump. We're going after those bastards!" Minutes later, they were ready. Data plotted the course, and Wesley came back from the bathroom. He was spending more and more of his time there these days. "Data" Pikard said, "let's get those pricks once and for all! Gnarlywarp factor 5. Engage." LA END for now.