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Damned Fucking Shit Editor: Access Denied Issue #40 Title: 101 Uses For a Shi-Tsu Date: 9/15/94 By: Ares ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ / O \ uSeS FoR a SHi-TSu 1-Play football with it. 2-Put in a jar in case of a nuclear fallout. 3-Use it as a koosh ball. 4-Shove a pole up its ass and dust your celing with it. 5-Take the pole out and dust your keyboard with it. 6-Soak it in drayno and flush it down the toilet to clean out the pipes. 7-Paint it blue and give it to small children telling them it's hairy smurf. 8-Throw it at a fan to redecorate your walls. 9-See how long it lasts as a fan belt. 10-Feed it nitro glycerine and teach it to jump up and down. 11-Feed it nitro glycerine and give it to a jumpy person. 12-Put it in a microwave wrapped in tin foil. 13-Staple its head to a Treasure Troll body and market it. 14-Mount its head on your wall and say, "well, I was AIMING for the deer..." 15-Watch a cat kick its ass. 16-Feed it LSD and see if it jumps out a window. 17-Name it killer. 18-Name it Foofie and teach it to nibble at the toes of intruders. 19-Shove a phone line in its ass and call someone. 20-Feed it C-4 and teach it to nibble on electrical cords. 21-Give it to your mother for her birthday and say it's a German loofa sponge. 22-Give it to your father and say it's a hairpiece. 23-Wash your car with it. 24-Test your new flame thrower on it. 25-Sue it for sexual harrasment. 26-Tell it it's your hero, and it's everything you wish you could be. 27-Shove a bottle rocket up its ass and see how far it flies. 28-Get it drunk and make it drive home. 29-Put it in a porn movie with a doberman. (youch!) 30-Put a bunch of 'em in a line and call it a speed bump. 31-Give it to Dahmer and see what happens. 32-They make attractive door stops... 33-Use it for a target on a dart board. 34-Hold it under water to see how long it can hold its breath. 35-Teach it to bite heads off of pigeons and name it Ozzy. 36-Throw a tennis ball into a hydraulic press and watch it go in after it. 37-Practice your drive with it. 38-Force Spam, Jello, and Vaseline down its throat. 39-They make good cannon shot... 40-Crucify it. 41-Shove a top up its ass, spin it around and say its a midget Tazmanian Devil. 42-Cut it up and slip some into your mom's potpourri pot. 43-Scrub your toilet with it. 44-Throw it at your radio to change the channel. 45-Use it as a paintbrush. 46-Kill a bunch of them, put them on your floor and say it's shag carpet. 47-Laugh at it. 48-Nail it to your door on Halloween so the children will go away. 49-Wrap it around your wrist and say you put hair tonic on your watch. 50-Hold it under a magnifying glass on a sunny day. 51-Record its barking as new age music. 52-Replace your grandparent's "Depends" with it. 53-Replace your own "Depends" with it. 54-Dip it in paint and throw it at people saying it's a new game. 55-Contact Satan with it. 56-Put it in a tape drive and see how many DFS magazines will fit on it. 57-Skin it and make an attractive toaster cover. 58-Put it in your Nintendo and game with it. 59-Plug its ears into a wall socket. 60-Stuff it into your VCR and press PLAY. 61-Stuff it into your tape/CD player and press PLAY. 62-Tie it to the ground and drop big concrete slabs on it. 63-Get three of them and juggle. 64-Nail it's head over Vic's on a Megadeth poster. 65-Smoke a cigarette with it. 66-Smoke tea with it. 67-Smoke IT. 68-Dress it up in skimpy leather and see if it'll pass for Lita Ford. 69-Give it a bunch of plastic surgery and see if it'll pass for Micheal Jackson . 70-Teach it how to blow a dog whistle and drive itself insane. 71-Bolt wheels to it and go skateboarding. 72-Get it pissed so you can laugh at it when it growls. 73-Strap it to your feet and go skiing, yelling shit as you fly down the hill. 74-Throw it off a tall building and see if it hits a cop. 75-Throw it at a wall of spikes. 76-Dress it up and call it... "Spuds McKenzie... The Yuppie Generation" 77-Feed it dynamite and teach it to play with matches. 78-Grind it up and sell it in a health food store. 79-Dress it up and don't take it out. 80-Teach it to press down on a gas pedal and put it in someone's running car. 81-Put it in a freezer so it dosen't spoil. 82-Make fuzzy earmufs out of it. 83-Shave it bald and say it's a big newt. 84-Accidently leave it in your locker over the summer. 85-Replace your mom's powder ball with it. 86-Stuff it in your armpit to absorb sweat. 87-Leave your life savings to it. 88-Blame your H/P/A/V/C doings on it. 89-Eat it alive and barf all over everyone. 90-Feed it to a REAL dog. 91-Polish your shoes with it. 92-Feed it to a venus fly trap. 93-Make gourmet beef jerky out of it. 94-Cover it with maggots and throw it at a huge flock of birds. 95-Name it as the mascot for a midget yuppie baseball team. 96-Name it Tatoo and teach it to say "de plane, boss... de plane!!!" 97-Use it as a hockey puck. 98-Put it in the middle of the ocean and see how far it swims before it drowns. 99-Teach it to be a sheepdog and watch it get trampled. 100-Write a "101 uses" text file about it. 101-BUUUUURN!!!!! 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