DDDDD FFFFFFFFF SSSSSS D D FF S D D FFFFF S D D FF SSSSSS D D FF S DDDDD FFFF SSSSSSS (ASCii By AD!) Damned Fucking Shit Editor: Access Denied Issue #39 Title: The Adventures of Power Wedge Man Date: 7/17/94 By: Ares ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Adventures of Power Wedge Man Sort of high above the streets I was perched, scanning the metropolis for any signs of trouble. Gripped in my hand was my Surefire 250X graphite handled #5 iron. 2.83 pounds of the most butt kicking sand throwing action ever to be used off the golf course. My long luxurious blonde pony tail was tonight covered by the camouflage pull-over mask I've become so accustomed to. I am POWER WEDGE MAN!!! Defender of the MEEK and LARGE BREASTED!!! Just as a chill night breeze wafted through my body I caught the sight of a woman jogging through the park. I tracked her for a minute but my attention was soon stolen from the well-rounded figure only to be placed upon the dark shadowy man approching her. The woman thought nothing of him but I have seen this man before... As the man approached her I lept from the top of my 2-story apartment building. Realizing that I was falling out of control, a manly squeal escaped my lips that was soon silenced as my face mashed into the apartment's lovely maggot-infested compost heap. I would have loved to stay and wallow in the sweet smell of decomposing kumquats, but I had work to do. The man grabbed the woman and I heard her cry for help. I sprinted at the struggling couple with all of my might. I screamed, "FACE MY WRATH, SCUM!!!" And at that, my beloved wedge landed full force on the side of his neck. A loud snap was heard and the twisted figure collapsed to the ground, jerking and convulsing as the last breath of live was sucked from his body. The woman looked up, and at the sight of my masked face she let out a shriek of terror and kicked my croch with animal-like ferocity. As I felt my balls proceed to rise into my stomach by sheer inertia alone, A whirling roundhouse smashed across the side of my face. Nuts in hand, I fell to the ground. As she ran away, I managed to wheeze, "No need to thank me, Madam!!!" I got up, and with my last bit of strength, I hurled the power wedge in her general direction. It struck her in the small of her back and she plummeted to the ground. I walked -well, limped anyway,- over to the quivering figure on the ground. I picked up the wedge and said, "You're WELCOME, dammit!" I heard police sirens and thought, "well, I've had enough thanking for tonight, I wouldn't want them to think I was the hero that saved this woman." With a yell of triumph, I returned to my beautiful compost heap!!! Written by: *-=ArEs=-* Original character inspired by: DeMeNTia PRaeCoX Find DFS On These Fine Systems ========================================================================== | Paradise Lost +1.414.476.3181 DFS World HQ | | Temporary Insanity +1.ITS.NOW.DOWN DFS Affiliate HQ | | Plan 9 Information Archives +1.716.881.FONE (3663) DFS Southern HQ | | Arrested Development +31.77.547477 DFS European HQ | | Under World Element +1.203.740.9571 DFS Eastern HQ | | 7th Heaven +1.216.464.6789 DFS Ohio HQ | | Lucifer's Exile +1.513.459.1278 DFS Midwest HQ | | Twilight Of The Idols +1.613.226.3386 DFS Canada HQ | | | | AE - Plan 9 Information Archives - Login: DFS | | FTP - etext.archive.umich.edu - /pub/Zines/DFS | | VMB - 1.800.298.6245 x3508 | | | | To submit, call Paradise Lost and log on as DFS. The password is: | | JINGLE JINGLE | ==========================================================================