Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý Ý Û Ý Ý Ý BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written August 3rd, 1992 #010 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ Presents Ú ÄÄ ¿ "Fun at a Discount" ³ by ³ Constantine À ÄÄ Ù It's happened to everyone at one time or another-- you trod on down to your local Generic-Mart in need of a few simple items, only to have a five-minute trip turn into a two-hour shopping nightmare. The clerks treat you like shit, nobody wants to help you find anything, and you are followed around the store by a guy wearing a neon sign on his forehead that says "PLAINCLOTHES SECURITY". Not exactly a bastion of humanity. So what's to be done? As a reasonably able-bodied, intelligent person, you have three options at this point. You can submit to the tyranny of the big faceless department store and humbly take the abuse, lay down fifteen bucks for a couple of spark plugs and a pack of gum, and thank the cashier before you leave. This is the option chosen by 99% of consumers. YOU should know better. You can compensate for your frustration and lost time by helping yourself to some of the store's goods, but that's trite, not worth it if you get caught, and really unimaginative. That brings us to the third option-- do it the honourable way, the anarchist way, and the BLaH way... Screw 'em. Screw 'em good. When your good intentions have been thwarted by indifferent, hostile and just plain incompetent clerks, the least you can do is return the favour. While there is no substitute for originality, this tfile will offer some ways for you to turn a staid, stuffy department store into a hellish, mind-bending carnival of FUN! (For you and your friends, that is. For the jerks who work there, it's just hellish and mindbending.) I have arranged suggestions by department, most of which are found at any K-Mart or WalMart. Just remember-- don't go it alone. Make sure to have at least one good friend (hopefully somebody who has also been victimized by the store) there to back you up and act as lookout while you perpetuate your nefarious scams. Having a backup person can save your ass in case Mr. Assistant Manager comes strolling by, and corroberate your story if (Gods forbid) you DO get caught... AUTO PARTS: Here, I will provide a number of ideas that are applicable to nearly every department. The idea is to get the store in trouble with customers, thereby losing (undeserved) business. You know those little blister packs of spark plugs and the like? Use an x-acto knife, bent paper clip, or something similar to wedge the package open, then remove one little part. If you do it carefully, the package will appear intact and the vital part won't be missed until the customer takes it home. Then Mr. Unhappy Customer has to come all the way back to the store to get a replacement... Do make sure to stuff the part you remove somewhere inconspicuous, hopefully in another aisle-- that way, if you get caught later, they can't accuse you of stealing the part. Cars need lots of liquids. Oil, lubricants, and such provide wonderful opportunities for substitution. Simply bring in a caustic substance (like muriatic acid, readily available at pool stores) in a small vial and slip it into the mix-- results vary depending on the substances (chemists, have a ball!), but the customer will, as in the above example, take the product home only to find it completely unusable at the least. Many liquid products have plastic neck-seals-- don't worry about it. Just make sure the seal is COMPLETELY removed, and the customer probably won't even notice that the product has been tampered with. PLEASE don't do this with food products; you want to harass a retail establishment, not kill people. Speaking of food products, this brings us to... CAFETERIAS Lots of big department stores have mini-cafeterias where you can get stale food and horrible imitation Slurpees. Just think of the pranks from your average high school cafeteria, and apply it here. Using crazy glue to attach plastic mugs, plates, etc., to the tables is rather childish, but causes a tremendous hassle for the cleaning staff (and renders a table fairly unusable until they clear the stuff away). Here's one for the strong of stomach: rummage through local garbage cans and get some nice, plump maggots. Keep them in a baggie or vial and go to the cafeteria, order a burger, and make a live maggot sandwich. Then run up to the clerk (or manager, even better) and LOUDLY complain about the maggots in your food. This will not only clear out the entire cafeteria, cause massive business losses and possibly bring the health department down on the store, the store may offer you MUCHO compensation to keep you quiet. As a supplement, or an alternative, sprinkle maggots over the cooking food (this one is very difficult, but well-timed distractions can get you ANYWHERE.) CLOCKS Clocks! Clocks with alarms! What joy! It doesn't take much to figure this one out. You and your accomplices set every single alarm clock and clock-radio to go off in fifteen minutes hence. Then, remove thyselves to the other side of the store. Make sure to crank the volumes up to the max before departing. COMPUTERS Do I really have to elaborate? Department stores that sell computers (usually shitty 8086 clones or remaindered Commodores) are just begging to be hit. Simply break into whatever cheesy demo they have running and load (from disks you have prepared beforehand) a nice little endless loop proclaiming the message of your choice. I suggest "THIS STORE EATS SHIT!! BLaH RULES!!", but you may wish to expand upon it. Leave quickly and watch from a distance. If you're lucky, some Moral Majority stooge will see it, get VERY offended and chew out the manager. Did I say "Moral Majority"? That reminds me... MAGAZINES Fun with reading material. Most department chains sell the kind of Harold Robbins/Jackie Collins/Family Circle crap that panders to the type of people who have never seen the inside of a real bookstore (i.e. their regular clientele). Maybe you should expand their cultural horizions by "donating" some reading material of your own? Reading material like, oh, back issues of "High Times", "Satanist's Quarterly" and select kiddie porn...? Leave your "planted" magazines in very obvious locations, so lots and lots of people see the evil smut that the store is pushing. If they have a little nook for kid's coloring books, make sure to leave a few porn mags right in front. At that point, it's only a matter of time until someone starts bitching. In a baptist community, thirty seconds (after they get done leafing through the kiddie porn). Then stand back and watch Mr. Manager catch hell. If nothing seems to be catching, you can start bitching yourself, but it's just not as much fun as watching a mother of four children react to seeing Little Billy holding the new issue of "Wet and Ready". CUSTOMERS Customers can be lots of fun, because so many of them are gullible sheep who accept just about everything blindly. Most store clerks wear uniforms with very basic colour combinations like blue and white-- if you happen to be wearing those colours that day, and a customer mistakes YOU for a store employee, you can hardly be blamed for their ignorance... Don't worry about nametags-- if you wear something fairly nerdy in clashing colours and walk around stiffly, straightening things here and there, you'll be AMAZED how many people will just walk up to you and start asking questions, regardless of how little you match the store uniform. Use your anarchist tendencies and your imagination to tailor the situation to the customer. If some asshole walks up and starts complaining to you about some product, tell him to take another one, on the house, for being such a good customer. He will, of course, and you can wave to him as store security intercepts him at the door. If the customer wants to know about prices, give him a rediculously low quote. When he tries to check out and gets charged about 500% more, he'll probably raise hell with the cashier and never shop there again. If they need to find something, send them to the other side of the store. No matter what they do, be courteous and agreeable as you screw them over. Of course, if a store clerk notices, YOU are free from blame. You were just standing around in your street clothes that HAPPEN to look like the store uniform (this is why you don't bother faking a nametag, etc.), when this customer made a stupid mistake. Not your problem. SUMMARY Of course, this is just a small, small selection of all the mayhem possible in retail stores. I have provided it as a starting point for your own twisted schemes, and I will follow up with future tfiles outlining specific acts of social violence for other public places and businesses. Always plan out what you are going to do before you do it, and make sure your accomplices are familiar with the plan. Recon the store first and note how busy it is, how many employees are out on the floor, locations of security cameras and mirrors, etc. Know before you go. As far as severity, make sure the punishment fits the crime. If one clerk in the whole store was rude to you, don't blow up the building in retaliation. Dish out exactly what you recieved, and make sure you don't hurt the wrong people. "Anarchy" does not mean "stupid", nor does it mean "random sadism". It's your karma, pal. Of course, if you really have been wronged, pull no punches. You never need to run out of ideas for creative mayhem, as long as you keep your eyes open and brain active. Your greatest weapon is your imagination, because it's imagination that the assholes of the world LACK and don't UNDERSTAND. Use it wisely, and you'll never go wrong. Do it the BLaH way. {-----The End-------------------------------------------------------------} If anyone wants to reach me, I can be located on the Hell Bound BBS (708-965-8965). I am currently compiling favorite anarchist tactics for a large tfile or miniseries on Creative Mayhem and Social Violence, so please share your tried and true terror techniques (and alliteration) by relaying them to me or any BLaH member. I will credit any ideas given. If you have suggestions for future files or improvements, drop me a line. Until next time, keep pushing the envelope. {---End of File... Safe-T-Nutz 0.90á says "11753 Bytes Total"-------------} The BLaH motto : If it says BLaH, it probably isn't.. 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