NEW INFANTS MIRACLE DIET FOR OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE Flabby Americans are always on the look out for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet) or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends that you've got a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope? Such is the Infants' Miracle Diet. Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offers great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on the diet however, be sure to check with your doctor, otherwise you might have to see him afterward. FIRST DAY: Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one peice of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickle, four sips of stale beer. Before Bedtime, toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. SECOND DAY: Breakfast: Pick up stale toast off kitchen floor and eat. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of Pulsating Pink Lipstick, and a cigarette (to be eaten not smoked). Ice cube if desired. After lunch, lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside and drop it in the dirt. Retrieve it and continue slurping until it is clean again. Bring it inside and drop it on the rug. Dinner: A rock or and an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon. THIRD DAY: Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers in hair. Glass of milk, drink one-half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast pick up sucker from rug, lick off fuzz and put on cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee. LAST DAY: Breakfast: a quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive, pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup sugar. When cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet, including bites of sandwich you spit out yesterday. One soft drink. Find sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert. X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm) & the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845 Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649 Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766 realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043 Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102 Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives, arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality, insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS. Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are, where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother. "Raw Data for Raw Nerves" X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X