Subject: Salman Rushdie one-liners These are all from a newspaper feature article in the San Francisco _Chronicle_ Datebook, March 5, 1989, though I've heard at least three of the one-liners on the radio or TV. I don't feel too bad about extracting the best lines, since that's what the writer did with the comics. The entire article is a full page; these are just a few of the lines. I also violated the one-joke-per-submission rule, since these really all go together as a whole. Have fun. Offensive to Moslems/Iranians and bookburners, of course. ------------------------- (cut here)---------------------- >From the San Francisco _Chronicle_ Datebook section, March 5, 1989, "'The Satanic Verses' -- Comics Laugh It Off" (The names are Bay Area or nationally-known stand-up comics...) "Khomeini's idea of 'opening up to the West' means allowing non-Muslims to hunt Rushdie." --Don Stevens [Commenting on small nightclub crowd] "This looks like a Salman Rushdie book-signing party" --Fred Reiss "If there were a $6 million bounty on me, I'd kill myself just for the reward. For that much, I think the Muscular Dystrophy people ought to go after him." --David Feldman "If Rushdie's book got Khomeini mad, wait till he sees the swimsuit edition of the Koran." --Johnny Carson [Shaking his head] "...and wait until Khomeini finds out Safeway carries pork." --Bob Lacey [Answering machine tape] "We're not here right now; we've gone to England to kill Salman Rushdie." --Alex Reid "I translated 'The Satanic Verses' into Spanish, and now there's a 10 million-peso price on my head. What an insult; I'm worth more than a nickel." --Jose' Simon -- Subject: Another by Rushdie? This one was posted anonymously to a Minneapolis-Saint Paul area bulletin board system. I edited it a little. Salman Rushdie plans to release another book soon. It's tentatively titled, "Buddah, You Fat Slob". {ed Reportedly Herb Caen tells a similar joke.} -- Subject: You ain't nothing but a Mahound-dog In Herb Caen's column (San Francisco Chronicle) 02/17: I know a way to make a quick million bucks. Have a bunch of T-shirts printed up that say "I am NOT Salman Rushdie" -- Subject: Satanic Prose NEWSFLASH: Due to Brad Templeton's "outrageous, blasphemous, and obviously satanic" newsgroup, rec.humor.funny, the Ayatollah Khomeini has issued a statement denouncing Brad and everyone on USENET. "I will pay two million dollars to anyone who kills Brad Templeton," The Ayatollah said today in a news conference. "And another one million for anyone associated with the newsgroup. Why should the propagators get away with this racist filth?" As he turned to go, he was heard muttering, "and the damned moderator son-of-a-goat didn't even accept my joke." --