Most of the definitions on the following lexicon of medical slang appeared a few years ago in the National Lampoon. Some of the definitions are funny. Most are sick. All are used in respected hospitals. =========================================================================== BOBBING FOR APPLES: Using the finger to unclog a severely constipated patient. F.L.K.: "Funny-looking Kid." Usually a mongoloid. F.L.P.: Parents of an F.L.K. CRUMP, GORK, VEDGY: A patient requiring intensive care, incapable of movement, and apparently unaware of his surroundings. HORRENDOPLASTY: A difficult and time-consuming operation. BAG, BOX, COOL, STIFFEN, X: To die. CROCK: Hypochondriac. MARRIAGEABLE MONSTER: A young female patient who has successfully undergone major plastic surgery. GOMER: A senile, messy, or highly unpleasant patient. FASCINOMA: A "fascinating" tumor; any interesting or amusing malignancy. DROOLER: A catatonic patient. CUT AND PASTE: To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and immediately sew him up. Well, almost immediately. Sometimes young surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while first. FOUR F-ER: A gallbladder patient. "Fat, forty-ish, flatulent female." PINKY CHEATER: Latex finger cover used in gynecological and proctological examinations. ROAD MAP: Injuries incurred by going through a car windshield face first. A HOLE-IN-ONE: A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum. THE "O" SIGN: The letter O as formed by a patient's gaping mouth. THE "Q" SIGN: A patient giving the O sign with his tongue hanging out. THE DOTTED Q: The "Q" sign, with a fly on the tongue. SIDEWALK SOUFFLE: A patient who has fallen from a building. LOOSE CHANGE: A dangling limb in need of amputation. BULL IN THE RING: A blocked large intestine. GONE CAMPING: Reference to a patient in an oxygen tent. EATING IN: Intravenous feeding. BORDEAUX: Urine with blood in it. SCRATCH AND SNIFF: A gynecological examination. ANGEL LUST: A male cadaver with an erection. HIT AND RUN: The act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another engagement. CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Chairman of a pediatrics department. ROOTERS: Indigents and hangers-on who gather in big-city emergency rooms in order to be entertained by legitimate cases. SHORT-ORDER-CHEFS: Morgue workers. LOOP THE LOOP: Flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines. BUGS IN THE RUG: Pubic lice. HEY DOCS: Alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big-city medical wards who, at the sight of a white coat, bleat out in chorus, "Hey, Doc!" BLOWN MIND: Gunshot wound to the head. ICING ON THE CAKE: Lethal tumor discovered in the X-rays of a heart attack victim. THE GARDEN: Neurosurgical intensive care ward, so called because of the "vegetables" found there. BOOGIE, GOOBER: A tumor. THE DEEP FRY: Cobalt therapy. ROASTED GOOBER: A tumor after intensive cobalt treatment. HEALTHY GOOBER: A dead patient. BURY THE HATCHET: Accidently leaving a surgical instrument inside a patient. BOTTLE RETURN: Removal of a bottle that is vacuum-jammed in the anal canal, usually of a homosexual. SILVER GOOSE, SILVER STALLION: Proctoscope. SQUASH: Brain. GAS PASSER: Anesthesiologist. CRISPY CRITTUR: A patient with severe burns.