旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 A collection of jokes compiled by the folks at Access Media BBS (905-825-8653)! A woman went to the pet shop and looked at a parrot. She asked the shop owner, "Is he smart?" "Is he smart, lady? Does a bear sh*t in the woods? This bird is so smart he speaks six languages!" So she bought him and brought him home. She had to go out, but her husband came home. Seeing that she had spent all of the grocery money on this parrot, and there was no food in the house, the husband - who was starving - strangled the bird, plucked it, cleaned it, and cooked it. When his wife came home, dinner was served. She screamed, "How could you do this?" To which he replied, "Hey,we gotta eat!" She said, "This bird was brilliant! He spoke six languages!" To which he said, "Oh yeah? If he was so fu*king smart, why didn't he say something?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're a redneck when...... Your grandmother says, "Come here and look at this before I flush it!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the mid-sixties, there was a hippy named Benny in San Francisco. Benny was real hip, but he just couldn't grow a beard like the rest of the flower child guys in Haight-Ashbury (Hashbury). One day Benny met up with a Gypsy Lady who liked him enough to grant him a wish, so, naturally, Benny wished for a beard. Gypsy Lady granted the wish but warned Benny to ALWAYS wear the beard, never cut it off. Well, the years went by, the flower children aged, the hippoy movement sorta died out, Benny went on to a career as a successful financial adviser. Benny decided the beard no longer fit his image so, ignoring the Gypsy Lady's warnings, he shaved it off. **POOF** Benny disintegrated into a pile of ashes, the janitor swept him up and deposited him in a jar. Moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tillie and Millie, two old girl friends, met for lunch. "I married a wealthy clothing manufacturer," announced Tillie, "and he bought me a yacht for my birthday." "Astounding!" said Millie. "I have charge accounts in all the department stores," said Tillie. "'Astounding!" said Millie. "I have a drawer full of rubies and emeralds and my husband bought me a twenty five carat diamond ring for our second anniversary," said Tillie. "Astounding!" said Millie. "Enough about me," said Tillie, "What have you been doing?" "Oh," answered Millie, "I'm going to charm school." "Really, what did you learn there?" asked Tillie. "Well, for one thing, they taught me to say 'astounding' instead of 'bullsh*t'," replied Millie. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Markowitz was walking along the beach with her grandson when suddenly a wave came and washed the three year old boy out to sea. "Oh, Lord!" cried the women. "If you will just bring that boy back alive I'll do anything! I'll be the best person! I'll give to charity! I'll go to temple! Please, God! Send him back!" At that moment, a wave washed the child back up on the sand, safe and sound. His grandmother looked at the boy and then up to the Heavens. "Okay!" she exclaimed, "So where's his hat?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A psychiatrist and a proctologist became good friends and agreed to share offices to cut down on expenses. To economise even further, they had just one sign printed: Dr. Marvin Hornstein, Psychiatrist Dr. David Slodnick, Proctologist SPECIALIZING IN ODDS AND ENDS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457-year old man. The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter, "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457." St. Peter was now confused, and said, "Why, you must be 457 years old! We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy walks into an opthamologist's office with a violin case. He waits for his appointment and is shown into the doctor's office. The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The guy replies, "Well . . . it's this," pointing to the violin case that he has placed on the doctor's desk. The doctor says, "It's a violin case -- so what?" The guy says, "Open it." The doctor does so and reels back in shock. Inside the case is a single HUGE turd - filling the entire case. The doctor loses his professional demeanor and begins to tell the guy off. "You FILTHY DISGUSTING...!" at which point the guy interupts and says, "I did that myself." The doctor, trying to be professional, says, "Well, you should see your family doctor about it. There's nothing I can do." The guy replies, "No, no, you don't understand. Every time I do one of those, my eyes water." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Category: Description: -------- ----------------------------------------------------- G: Suitable for everyone. Even the family's pet lizard. PG-17: For anyone with initials "PG" over 17 years of age. ASCII: Suitable for any text editor. GASCII: For any text editor that has a problem with burritos. (Recommended shareware utility: PKUNFART.EXE) MACINTOSH: For imitation computer users. DOS: For real computer users. WINDOWS: For those of us who are into masochism. BUBBA: For anyone who's so southern, he's related to himself. X: For Adults Only. Z: For Absolutely No One. BREW: For rednecks who can't read sober. DOORS: For those who can't use Windows. BACKDOORS: For another way in. DYSLEXIC: .sdrawkcab era ohw esoth roF SLEPL: For those who can't spell. READ2ME: For those who can't read. GIMME: For Madonna. HUH?: For blondes. HILLARY: For the President. PEROT: Short jokes. DAHMER: Bits & pieces. BIGUNS: Dolly Parton jokes. BRAILLE: .. :.: ': :. .:. ':: .:: . GERALDO: The REALLY SICK stuff. DUH?: For those who don't get these jokes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's this? /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ * /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ The KKK's idea of a fair fight. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why did the Okie drive around the block for three hours? A. His left turn signal was stuck. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How many Conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Thirty: one to do it, and 29 to stuff it down everyone's throat. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE NEW PRIEST A new priest at his first mass was so scared, he could hardly speak. After the Mass was over he asked the Monsignor how he'd done? The Monsignor said fine, but next time it might help if you put some gin or vodka in your glass to help relax you. The next Sunday the priest put some vodka in his glass and really talked up a storm. After the Mass he asked the Monsignor how he'd done? The Monsignor says fine but there are a few things we need to get straightened out: 1) There are 10 commandments not 12 2) There are 12 disciples not 10 3) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him 4) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 5) Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's 6) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook 7) They crucified Jesus, they didn't nail his ass to the cross ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man was out driving when he saw a police car in his rear-view mirror, with it's siren wailing. The man pulled over and the police car stopped behind him. The policeman approached the man's car and said to the man: "Do you know that your wife fell out of the car five miles back?" The man replied: "Oh thank God! I thought I had gone deaf!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- SITUATION ADAPTABILITY EVALUATION FOR MANAGEMENT PERSONNEL This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personnel to various situations. The situations are based on actual case studies from a well known educational institution and represent a cross-section of test data correlated to evaluate both reaction time to difficult situations as well as the soundness of each decision selected. There are 8 multiple choice questions. Read each question thoroughly. Place an "X" by the answer you feel is most correctly justified by the circumstances given. Be prepared to justify your decision. You have 4 minutes (Do not turn this page until told to do so) (1) You have prepared a proposal for the regional director of purchasing of your largest customer. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your sales to his company by 200%. In the middle of your proposal the customer leans over to look at your report and spits into your coffee. You: _____(a) Tell him you prefer your coffee black. _____(b) Ask to have him checked for any communicable diseases. _____(c) Take a leak in his "out" basket. (2) You are having lunch with a prospective customer talking about what could be your biggest sale of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in your motel. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as your client's daughter. Your next move is to: _____(a) Ask for her hand in marriage. _____(b) Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English. _____(c) Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for the best. (3) You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing manner causing 3 water tumblers to shatter and a secretary to pass out. What you should do next is: _____(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. _____(b) Point out their chief executive and accuse him of the offense. _____(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. (4) You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a No-No, you: _____(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion, bury your finger in your nostril right up to the 4th joint. _____(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first. _____(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, blow your nose on your sock. (5) You've just spent the evening with a supplier who invited you to an all night boilermaker drinking party. You get home just in time to go to work. You stagger to the men's room and spend the next half hour vomiting. As you're washing up at the sink, the sales training director walks up, blows cigar smoke in your face, and asks you to join him for a drink after work. You: _____(a) Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive torrent at the front of his Hart Schaffner & Marx suit. _____(b) Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the fact that he'll never recognize your green face. _____(c) Grasp his hand and pump it till he wetss in his pants. (6) You are at dinner with a customer and his wife, who looks like the regional runner-up in the Lassie look-a-like contest. Halfway through dinner you feel a hand on your lap. If you are resourceful you will: _____(a) Accidently spill hot coffee in your lap. _____(b) Slip a note to the waiter to have your customer paged and see if the hand goes away when he does. _____(c) Excuse yourself and go to the men's room. If he follows, don't come out until you have a signed order. (7) You're on your way to see your best account when your zipper breaks and you discover that you forgot to put on your underpants that morning. You decide to: _____(a) Call on the customer's secretary instead. _____(b) Explain that you were just trolling for queers. _____(c) Buy a baggy raincoat and head for the school playground. (8) You've just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: _____(a) Ask what position she played. _____(b) Ask if she's still working the streets. _____(c) Pretend you're suffering amnesia and don't remember your own name. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Leroy, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third-storey ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. "Hey, lady," yells Leroy, "Throw me the cat." "No," she cries, "It's too far." "I play football, I can catch him." The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Leroy, kisses her cat good-bye, and tosses it down to the street. Leroy keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Leroy runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers. Leroy does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ****************************************** THE PERSONAL COMPUTER AWARENESS DICTIONARY ****************************************** Do you feel confused by the jargon of the personal computer revolution? Afraid to enter the world of the computer salesmen to browse because you don't understand their language? Well, here's a quick lesson on just what some of those slick phrases you've heard REALLY mean! IBM-COMPATIBLE: not IBM-compatible FULLY IBM-COMPATIBLE: somewhat IBM-compatible, but won't run BASIC programs 100% IBM-COMPATIBLE: compatible with most available hardware and software, but not with the blockbusters IBM always introduces the day after tomorrow LAP-TOP: smaller and lighter than the average secretary PORTABLE: smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator TRANSPORTABLE: neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm system HARD DISK: a device that allows naive users to delete vast amounts of data with simple commands MOUSE: a peripheral originally named "vermiform appendix" because of its functional resemblance, renamed for its usefulness as a cat toy PRINTER: an electromechanical paper-shredding device MODEM: a peripheral used in the unsucessful attempt to get two computers to communicate with each other NETWORK: an electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to useful data DOCUMENTATION: a perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only in situations of dire need when friends and dealers are unavailable, normally employed only as a decorative bookend USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with a full-color manual VERY USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with an on-disk and audiotape tutorial, so the user needn't bother with the full-color manual EXTREMELY USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with a mouse so that the computer user needn't bother with the on-disk and audiotape tutorial, the full-color manual, or the program itself EASY TO LEARN: hard to use EASY TO USE: hard to learn EASY TO LEARN & USE: won't do what you want it to POWERFUL: hard to learn and use MENU-DRIVEN: easy to learn COPY-PROTECTED: (1) a clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from STEALING software and legitimate customers from USING it. (2) a means of distinguishing honest users from thieves by preventing larceny by the former but not the latter. WARRANTY: an unconditional guarantee that the program purchased is actually included on the disk in the box VERSION 1.0: buggier than Maine in June, eats data VERSION 1.1: eats data only occasionally, upgrades free to avoid litigation by disgruntled users of version 1.0 VERSION 2.0: the version originally planned as the first release [execept for a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go away], no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt VERSION 3.0: the revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt NOW AVAILABLE: available any day now AVAILABLE SOON: should be out within a year AVAILABLE MAY 1: version 1.0 may ship to dealers August 1 STANDARD: similar to something else on the market BACKUP: the duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make SPREADSHEET: a program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate assumptions WORD PROCESSOR: software that magically transforms its user into a professional author BUSINESS GRAPHICS: popular with managers who understand neither decimals, fractions, Roman numerals, nor PI, but have more than a passing acquaintance with pies and bars DATABASE MANAGER: a program that allows the user to manipulate data in every conceivable way except the absolutely essential one he or she conceives of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw data INTEGRATED SOFTWARE: a single product that deftly performs hundreds of functions the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen he uses constantly WINDOWS: a method of dividing a computer screen into two or more unusably tiny portions ------------------------------------------------------------------------- It seems that a young man who came from a wealthy family was going off to college. Now Dad, who was no slouch, knew that the young rascal would probably just use all his money to booze it up and go after the girls (since this is what he himself had done). In order to prevent this, he presented his son with a fur coat which contained nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine hairs. And he said to his son, he said, "Son, I want you to have this coat, and to take very good care of it, because it contains 9,999,999 hairs. If there are still 9,999,999 hairs when you graduate from school in 4 years, I'll give you a million dollars and set you up in a job for life." Well, the son thought this sounded pretty good, so he took his Dad up on it. While he was a freshman, he counted the hairs twice a semester: 9,999,999 hairs each time. Over the summer he counted them again: 9,999,999 hairs. Sophomore year he counted those 9,999,999 hairs every month, and every month there were 9,999,999 hairs. Junior year, he was at it every week: 9,999,999 hairs. Week after week after week: 9,999,999 hairs. By senior year he was counting them every day: 9,999,999 hairs. Skipping classes for those 9,999,999 hairs. Well, by the time graduation rolled around, he felt like he'd counted those 9,999,999 hairs about 9,999,999 times, but he kept right on counting. As soon as he finished with those 9,999,999 hairs, he'd count them again: 9,999,999 hairs. On the night before graduation, he stayed up all night counting: 9,999,999 hairs. Finally the big day arrived, and Dad came to see Junior. "Well, son, have you got those 9,999,999 hairs still intact?" asked the old man. "Yes, Dad, all 9,999,999 hairs are there!" So they started to count them together. And there were 9,999,998 hairs! The son couldn't believe it. They counted again: 9,999,998 hairs. And the son sat down and cried, his whole future shot (since he'd gotten straight D's from all the classes he'd skipped). And as the son was sitting there, a little moth flew out of the coat, the same moth who'd eaten that 9,999,999th hair. And the moth felt so bad about what he'd done that he started to cry too. Have you ever seen a moth bawl? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're a redneck if your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. You know you're a redneck if both your dog and your wallet are on a chain. You know you're a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains but your pickup does. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a guy with no arms or legs... ...in your spicerack? HERB ...in a men's room? JOHN ...in a British restroom? LOU ...in a bank vault? RICH ...in a porn flick? DICK ...in a sound system? MIKE ...trying to swim? BOB ...in a sandwich? REUBEN ...propping up a car? JACK ...being climbed on? JIM ...run over by a train? BART ...in a flowerbed? BUD or PETE ...removed from the White House? COLIN ...put through a meat grinder? CHUCK ...being torched to death? BERNIE ...in your gas tank? PHIL ...under a steamroller? LANE ...in your drums? TOM ...under a train? SPIKE ...in a lettuce farm? MANUEL ...stuffed in a carryall? PACO ...drowning in the lake? GIL ...on your barbecue? FRANK ...starving to death? LES ...being cooked by cannibals? STU ...in a hayloft? BARNEY ...being stoned to death? ROCKY ...in a chicken coop? HENRY ...on a French farm? HECTOR ...dying of cancer? KENT ...in a pile of leaves? RUSSELL What do you call a girl with no arms or legs... ...on your barbecue? PATTY ...in a sugar vat? CANDY ...when she's your sister's kid? DENISE ...in a sewer? FLO ...eaten by a Gila Monster? LIZ ...being shot out of a cannon? AMY ...being stoned for immorality? CYN ...stuck on a wall? PEG ...in a backpack? CARRIE ...in a shotgun wedding? MARY ...being screwed by a horse? MARE ...caught by a trawler? ANNETTE ...ensnared in a lawsuit? SUE ...trying to figure how she got that way? WANDA ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lawyer and his brother, a doctor, were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling. The doctor asked, "What should we do?" The lawyer said, "I'm gonna run for it!" The doctor replied, "You can't outrun a mountain lion!" The lawyer said, "I don't have to outrun HIM - I only have to outrun YOU!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man had a weird illness. Whenever he broke wind, it made the sound "Honda". He asked his doctor about it but the doctor (after months of tests and literature-reading) could not figure it out. Finally, just before he was about to give up, he had an idea! "I'll call the Honda Company in Japan and ask the company doctor!" Well, he called the Japanese doctor and was told by him to see if the patient had an abscess in his teeth somewhere. Sure enough, there was, and when it was treated the other affliction ended! When the doctor asked his Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great diagnosis over the phone from such a long distance away the man replied: "Simple. Abscess makes a fart go Honda." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this guy is in a bar.... and he gets kinda drunk, and says to the bartender, "Well, I saaaagunna tell a Polish joke...." The bartender says to the man, "Pssst! Hey buddy, you see that guy there across the room? He's 6'2, 195 lbs, he's Polish. You see that guy over next to the darts? He's 6'4, 220 lbs, and he's Polish. You see that guy over there? He's 6'3, 325 lbs, and HE's Polish!!" The man hiccups, looks thoughtful for a moment, then replies, "I only wanted to tell the joke once, ya know..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- APPLICAZIONNE TO JOINA DE MAFFIA ------------- -- ----- -- ------ Whazza u name _________________________ U-Hage_______________ Whazza u howsa nummer ________________ U-Streeta____________ Whazza-U-Bag? Hitta Man_____ Lona-Arranger_____ Prostitutta?___ Izza U Girl or Boy? (If uzza girl, Oh-Boy!)_____ Justta Checka Wun. (Wiezza Guy) Putta Downa Wearra U Worgga Now___________________________________ Wazza U Inna De Bigga Ouse? ____ For Whatzza U Inna De Bigga Ouse? I Shoota Wun Guize_____ I Keednappa Sumbody's___________ Protekshun Ragget______ Udda Things_____________________ U Wanna B De Bigga Shotz, Dumdaze?? Yasse_____ No_____ Eh:_______ U Likka Eata Garlic? _________ Pizza? _________ Salami?__________ U No Ow 2 Makke De Cement Shooz? _________________________________ U Driva De Car? _______ Gadillac_______ Buick _____ Linken________ U Likka Likka Spagett?____ Galamari_____ Girlze?_____ Boyze?______ (Just peeka one--no foola rounda cus I slappa U face) U Sees De Godfather? (Or justa de movie?) ------------------------------------------------------------------ Widda U Antry U Gonna Getta Somtink U Reely Lika.................. 1 pr darke glasses 1 lb. mozzarella cheeze 1 black shirte widda white tie 1 kiss (later, onna U cheek) 1 pr. pointie shooz 1 wite hat, widde blacke brim 1 pr. cement shooz 1 spumoni (tutti-frutti) (come later when you foolaround) 8x10 picchur-Frank Sinatra 1 Appy Face Button Goode Stoff (Iffa U notta Sure, I Talle U Whatta U Getta, Wizaguy) JOINNA DE CLUB NOW WHILE YOU STILL CANNA RITE! Guiseppi ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear what happened to the blonde tap-dancer? A: She fell into the sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse fell and broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lem and Clem stood by a car in which they had locked the key. "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it" Lem asked. "No," answered Clem. "People will think we're trying to break in." Lem said, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?" "No," said Clem. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger. "Well," sighed Lem, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain and the sun roof is open!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're a redneck if your car window is a Hefty bag. You know you're a redneck if Red Man chewing tobacco sent you a Christmas card. You know you're a redneck if your family tree does not fork. You know you're a redneck if the primary color of your car is 'bondo'. You know you're a redneck if you have a rag as a gas-cap. You know you're a redneck if in your wedding picture, you had a toothpick in your mouth. You know you're a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper quality entertainment. You know you're a redneck if your idea of literature is the TV-Guide. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Worf: Shoot it. Picard: Let's talk to it. Riker: Screw it. Data: I do not understand it. Geordi: I can fix it. Q: I could do it better. Borg: Assimilate it. Kirk: Has anyone seen my hair? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're a redneck if your belt buckle is bigger than your wife's head. You know you're a redneck if directions to your house include: and then you turn off the paved road... You know you're a redneck if going to the bathroom at night involves putting on your shoes and carrying a flashlight. You know you're a redneck if people ask to hunt in your front yard. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- My doctor gives X-rays for any complaint. If you have a cough, he'll X-ray your throat; a cramp calls for a body X-ray. I was in his office the other day and I saw a nude man in his X-ray room. I said, "What's the matter with you?" The nude man said, "I don't know. I just came in to drop off the mail." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're a redneck if your most successful pick-up line is, "Hey Baby, nice tooth!" You know you're a redneck if your daughter gets married and all the wedding guests sit on the same side of the church. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- MONTHLY EVALUATION ------------------ Name: _______ Knowledge: __ The son of a bitch really knows his sh*t __ Knows just enough to be dangerous __ Only half a brain and dangerous __ F**king brain dead. His coffee cup has more IQ Accuracy: __ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with sex __ Pretty good. Only occasionally blows it out his *ss __ Has to take off his shoes to count higher then ten __ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice Attitude: __ Extremely cooperative if you kiss his *ss frequently __ Brown noser in good standing __ Often pisses off co-workers __ Doesn't give a sh*t. Never did. Never will Reliability: __ Really a dependable little sh*thead __ Works so hard that he must take a day off each week __ Can rely on him to be the first one out the door __ Totally f*cking worthless Appearance: __ Extremely neat. Even combs his pubic hair __ Looks great on his days off __ Flies leave fresh dog sh*t to follow him __ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a b*tch Leadership: __ Carries a chainsaw and get good results __ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust __ Dog fasted 3 days last time he brought home pork chops __ Mother Theresa told him to get f*cked I understand that I have been counselled and know my rights under the Privacy Act of 1971. I further acknowledge that I am as f*cked up as a football bat and I will attempt to correct my deficiencies. __________________________ signature of the idiot ------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell if an Ethiopian woman is pregnant? Hold her up to the light. What do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth? Rake. [Take a comb and hold it upside-down] What's this? A hundred Ethiopians carrying a canoe. How many Ethiopians can you put in a shower? I don't know they keep falling down the drain. How many Ethiopians can you put in a Volkswagen? All of 'em! How do Ethiopians camouflage themselves? They stand sideways. What's the world's fastest animal? -The Ethiopian Chicken. What's the world's second fastest animal? -The Ethiopian running after it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's a brunette's idea of the ideal weight of a blonde? A: Two kilos, including the URN. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you get 50 Jewish people in a car? A: Throw a dime inside. Q: How do you get 50 germans in a car? A: Throw a Jewish person inside. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW SOFTWARE ANNOUNCEMENT PC WIFE for Dos and Windows For the truly lonely and scandalously ugly men with no chance of ever finding the real thing. NOTICE! This is not Freeware! Manual and Quick Reference Guide From the time you load this software, you are required to cash your pay- check and send the entire amount to the address listed. We will send back the money we think you will need each week. Before installing, read all instructions in this manual and make several back up copies of the original disks. This software has caused hardware damage in some machines with short-tempered users. This software, like many others, is claimed to work with Windows. It might. It might not. If it doesn't, it is your fault. Buy a better com- puter next time! RUNNING PC WIFE Okay you lovebirds, dim the lights and open that bottle of champagne. In- sert the install disk (disk 1) into one of the floppy drives (A or B). At the C: prompt, type A: or B: install. You will notice a faint smell of perfume, a soft moaning sound, and the room may feel warm. You may feel slight dizziness and a lack of good judgement. Don't worry. This is normal. At this point an introduction screen will appear on the monitor. Press enter. You will now be asked a few simple questions like those listed below. Please consider your answers carefully. 1. Are you married? 2. Do you have any children? 3. Have you been married before? 4. How much money do you make? Alot? 5. Do you want to have children? 6. What time do you get home from work? No answer is wrong. Remember, this is for losers. The program will ad- just for any combination of answers. Once you have answered all 2,486 questions, the program will automatically begin. The computer must remain on at all times. An Uninterruptable Power Supply (UPS) would be a good addition to your equipment for full enjoyment. HOW IT WORKS There are several programs and files that are used in the operation of PC WIFE. Do not delete any of these files. README.DOC- Who does? You might want to read this six months from now. PISS.EXE- Timed program, runs every afternoon. MOAN.DAT- Data file used with PISS.EXE. PMS.COM- Program runs once a month, however, can also run at any time, or not at all. (Do whatever it instructs!) WENCH.EXE- Program runs when requested. You may have to request this several times to get it to run. Begging may help. BITCH.EXE- Program will run sooner or later. Be patient. Negative feedback aggravates the program. Note: Runs more frequently if you drink or are late from work, or if you are late in complying with any PC WIFE request. BITCH.DAT- Data file used with BITCH.EXE. CLEAN.EXE- Merely a reminder program with a handy "clean the house" pop- up menu. Failure to follow instructions given carefully will result in more frequent executions of BITCH.EXE. Frequent running of BITCH.EXE could cause more frequent action of PMS.COM. This is not a preferred situation. MIL.EXE- A mother-in-law simulation program creates a noise similar to a parrot with its foot hung. Running of other programs in PC WIFE not complying with requests in a timely manner will determine duration and volume of program execution. DINNER.EXE- A handy reminder program consisting of phone numbers for pizza delivery (or fine dining establishments). SECRET FILES There are many hidden files in PC WIFE. If you are lucky, and blessed with quick reflexes, you will not endure the wrath of these files. REMINDER Sign the enclosed Warranty Death Beneficiary Registration Card before in- stalling this software. Mail card and first paycheck 10 days before in- stallation of program. REMOVING PC WIFE Once PC WIFE has been running five minutes, it will be in complete con- trol of your house, car, and life. If for any reason you are unhappy with your PC WIFE, there is only one way to loosen its hold on you. Upon receipt of all deeds, bank account holdings and titles, legally signed over to our company, we will gladly terminate 90% of PC WIFE functions. If at any time a check for 75% of your earnings is more than five days late in arriving, PC WIFE will be reinstated with all hidden files on ac- tivated status. DISCLAIMER The makers of PC WIFE hold no responsibility for damage, medical costs, loss of sanity, financial ruin, or any other potentially adverse effects from running this software. Thank you very much for your purchase and continued support. Till Death Do Us Part Software, Inc. ****************************************************************** AND DON'T MISS OUR LATEST CREATION PC CHILD! THE PERFECT ADDITION TO PC WIFE! A mere nine months after installation of software, a heady perfume of am- monia and manure will permeate your home. Yes! For one entire year, your house will not only smell like a baby lives there, but it will sound like you are the proud father of triplets! Shrieks, screams and giggles will emit at random times from your SoundBlaster. Fool neighbors and friends with 2 am feeding wails and gurgles that last well past dawn! As if that wasn't enough, slimy drool and vile-smelling, green glop will spurt from your floppy drives many times during the next 18 years. Yes, 18 YEARS! Amaze your friends! (A keyboard condom will be included in your purchase.) You want MORE?? We've GOT more! Hard drive fevers in the middle of the night! Simulated trips to hospital emergency rooms! Report cards! Calls from the principal! PTA meetings! And when your PC CHILD turns 16 years old, you'd better buy a new car, because your child will be DRIV- ING! Yes, DRIVING! AND getting in car wrecks on the average of twice a month! Watch your insurance rates climb! And the fun goes on and on and on. We can't tell you everything. That wouldn't be any fun, would it? But we suggest you start bugging your computer retailer now for PC CHILD. Your PC WIFE will want one every two or three years, and you don't want to make her angry! Trust us. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I just got a new hearing aid. It's the best one I've ever had." "What kind is it?" "Oh, about 9:30......." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The dumb blonde was invited on an outing so she decided to shop for some luggage. She asked the clerk, "Do you have any overnight cases?" "Yes'm," he said. "You'd better give me seven of them, then. I'll be gone a week." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A sensational new shortstop was being interviewed by the press. The trouble was, the guy spoke so quietly no one could hear him. One of them finally asked the coach, "What's the matter with him?" "Nothing at all," replied the coach. "That's just the way the rookie mumbles." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, it won't come anyway. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A father took his young son to the opera for the first time. The conductor started waving the baton, and the soprano began her aria. The boy watched everything intently and finally asked: "Why is he hitting her with his stick?" "He's not hitting her," answered the father with a chuckle. "Well, then," asked the boy, "why is she screaming?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar." No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off. "Now that's real automation," the man exclaimed. "This thing even drinks it for you!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do with a dog with no arms and no legs? Take it for a drag. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? Seventeen. One talks in Congress for 5 hours about how the lack of family values in this country symbolizes the burning out of a light bulb. Two more rant and rave about how it was the Democrat's fault that the light bulb burned out in the first place. Three more talk in hushed whispers about how this whole light bulb thing could escalate into something soon. Two more are about to change the light bulb, but decide instead to attend a fund-raising dinner. And the rest spend the remainder of the week forming a Congressional Light-Bulb Fixing Task Force. Nobody, of course, ever gets around to changing the light bulb... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOP TEN TREK TRANSPORTER MALFUNCTION EPISODES WE HAVEN'T SEEN (YET): 10.An AWAY team disappears and the mystery isn't solved until it is discovered that Ensign Scott, who entered the coordinates into the transporter, is dyslexic. 9. During an ion storm, Worf is beamed up but finds himself a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away---"Star Worf." 8. Worf is accidentally beamed through an improbability field and turns into a bowl of petunias. Troi can sense only one thought from him (which also happens to be the episode title): "Oh No, Not Again." 7. A short circuit causes the transporter system to shrink the AWAY team to microscopic size and be transported into Geordi's visor -- "A Beam in Geordi's Eye." 6. Static interference with the transporter system causes the AWAY team to instantly age 50 years. Since de-aging people is now standard procedure of the Enterprise, this episode is fixed before the credits start. The rest of the episode consists of a discussion on why shields always fail--"Staff Meeting." 5. A subspace disturbance affects the transporter, causing a genetic alteration in Captain Picard which makes his nose grow even longer--"Picarnocchio." 4. While testing a new transporter system, O'Brian doesn't notice a fly on the transporter pad with him. The Enterprise is then boarded by a horde of copyright lawyers. 3. A power surge as Data is being beamed sends him back to 1985 on Earth. It also short circuits his positronic circuits, so he believes that he must kill a woman named Sarah Conner--"Termidata." 2. Data, Troi, and Riker have their signals scrambled together by a computer error and become one being: A logical first officer with psychic power--"Mindmeld." AND THE NUMBER ONE TRANSPORTER MALFUNCTION EPISODE WE HAVEN'T SEEN (YET): 1. Troi and Worf are beaming up from a planet when an ionic pulse disrupts the beam. Troi is okay, but Worf is split into seven small, bearded men, each with a diffrent dominant trait--"Troi White and the Seven Worfs." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOP TEN REASONS FOR WHY Q AND AMANDA LOOKED SO LARGE RELATIVE TO THE ENTERPRISE: 10. The Walt Disney reason: It's a small ship after all. 9. The George Bush reason: It's the fault of the Democrats in Congress. 8. The Bill Clinton reason: I didn't see the episode. If I did see it it was only once, and I didn't notice anything wrong with it. 7. The "Dallas" reason: Dr. Crusher is dreaming this whole season. 6. The Monty Python reason: It's only a model. 5. The Oliver Stone Reason: Ask yourself, qui bono? Who benefits if TNG's special effects aren't good? Babylon 5, that's who, and the CIA, and the Mafia, and the Illuminati. 4. Bill Clinton reason: I knew all along there was something wrong with the proportion. And it's not surprising, after 12 years of Reaganomics. 3. Some unexplained reason: John DeLancia and Olivia D'Abo are big stars. 2. The Rick Moranis reason: Honey, I shrunk the ship. Or is it, Honey, I blew up the Qs. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON FOR WHY Q AND AMANDA LOOKED SO LARGE RELATIVE TO THE ENTERPRISE: 1. The H. Ross Perot reason: It's irrelavant. Let's try to keep things in perspective, okay? Can we focus on the issues for just a moment here? While you've been reading this list, the deficit's grown by another 430 million quatlons. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- T H E T E N C O M M A N D M E N T S O F D I E T I N G Thou shalt not throw body checks at a buffet table Thou shalt not spend more than one week's salary at a single vending machine Thou shalt not store food in thy cheeks Thou shalt not slam-dunk mashed potatoes Thou shalt not eat with garden tools Thou shalt not eat by bucket brigade Thou shalt not order more pizza than can fit in your house Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's junk food Thou shalt not operate more than one microwave at a time Thou shalt not turbocharge thy salad shooter ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The First Day of School 30 Years Ago and Today THIRTY YEARS AGO Miss Lichtig receives an apple from an anonymous student and shows it to her fellow teachers. TODAY Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and shows it to the bomb squad! THIRTY YEARS AGO Ed Navis, the class clown, is caught reading Playboy. TODAY Mrs. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy! THIRTY YEARS AGO his entire first-grade class groans when Melvin asks the teacher "Didn't you forget to give us homework?" TODAY his entire first- grade class cheers when Rocco asks the teacher, "Hey, where the hell are the condoms?" THIRTY YEARS AGO Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of whooping cough. TODAY Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grades first case of morning sickness! THIRTY YEARS AGO students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the periodic table. TODAY students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water! THIRTY YEARS AGO each class begins with "Show and Tell". TODAY each class begins with "Search and Frisk"! THIRTY YEARS AGO ninth grader Clyde Kelly is caught cheating on a pop quiz. TODAY ninth grader Scott Kelly is caught cheating on his common-law wife! THIRTY YEARS AGO in assembly, Mr Police Captain tells students how to avoid being accosted by strangers! TODAY in assembly, Mr. Police Captain tells students how to avoid being shot by his men! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you cannot drink and drive? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan? Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii? Why are there floatation devices under plane seats, instead of parachutes? Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight? Why does sour cream have a use-by date? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? You know that little indrestructable black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison. ********************************************************************** In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine tha magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit - Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover. *********************************************************************** While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tehered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excite- ment, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports-car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims. ************************************************************************ Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched. ************************************************************************ In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train. ************************************************************************ Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a distur- bance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled. ************************************************************************ An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo Mama is so fat she doesn't have a waist, it's an equator. Yo mama is so fat, she's on both sides of the family. Yo mama is so fat that she jumped in the air and got stuck. Yo mama is so stupid that she asked for a price check at a 99 cent store. Yo mama is so fat that when she throws herself into a chair, it's an 8.5 on the Richter scale. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you ever noticed the similarities between some TV shows? The U.S.S. Enterprise The Love Boat --------------------- ------------- Bald Captain Bald Captain Young Wesley is related to a Young Vicki is related to a crewmember and works on the ship crewmember and works on the ship Ship's doctor is a main character Ship's doctor is a main character Troi, ship's counselor is sexy, Julie the cruise director is sexy, but annoying but annoying Actors stand in front of screen, Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected upon which is projected background background of open space of open sea A dumping ground for second-rate A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars washed-up guest stars Going to strange new worlds Going to strange new ports-of-call Cheesy opening song Cheesy opening song Too many scenes of self-indulgent Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the holodeck crap in the lounge Socially retarded character with Socially retarded character with job description for name (Data) job description for name (Gopher) In late-night syndication In late-night syndication Bad 2-hour pilot Bad 2-hour pilot Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and Love Boat has lifeboats and detaching saucer section flotation devices Scenes linked by ship shots Scenes linked by ship shots One character inexplicably One character inexplicably replaced then returned (Crusher) replaced, then returned (Julie) After-the-fact bed scenes with After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion pointless discussion Captain straightens uniform when Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous disgusted/angry/nervous Final scene takes place on trans- Final scene takes place on loading porter; crew waves good-bye dock; crew waves good-bye Gene Roddenberry ruled with iron Aaron Spelling rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans fist, annoying die-hard fans At conventions, everyone is At conventions, everyone is dressed like Mr. Spock dressed like Dr. Adam Bricker Captain Picard has useless Isaac the Bartender has useless gesture, pointing slightly gesture, pointing slightly forward forward Intercrew friction always Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour resolved within allotted 1 hour time slot time slot Thanks to Jack Kolb (with the inside track on Star Trek) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this guy who went to Spain. One day, he goes over to the bullfights and watches as the bullfighter kills the bull. After that afternoon of excitement, he gets hungry and goes over to a cafe right next to the arena of the bullfight. There he looks at the menu, and orders the special, "Meatballs." The waiter comes out with 2 huge meatballs and the guy eagerly eats it. The bull fight was so interesting, he came back the next day and went over to the cafe again to have the delicious meatballs. This continued on for 5 or so days, until the guy goes to the cafe and the waiter comes out with 2 dinky little balls. "What's wrong with the meatballs? Why are they so small?" asks the man. "Well, Senor, sometimes dee bull weens," said the waiter. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're on the phone with a redneck when he says... "Hold on a second, I'll get my computer guy... HEY, BUBBA!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- !---! ! * ! Central Bell CURRENT BILLING: July 1993 !---! BASIC SERVICE.......................................................123.35 _____________________________________________________________________________ ACCESS TO INTERSTATE LONG DISTANCE ..................................22.95 ACCESS TO INTRASTATE LONG DISTANCE ..................................20.95 ACCESS TO ANY PHONE MORE THAN 3 BLOCKS AWAY .........................19.28 ACCESS TO YOUR DIAL TONE ............................................13.66 _____________________________________________________________________________ ! DO YOU OWN ! NO: MONTHLY EQUIPMENT RENTAL .......................36.25 YOUR PHONE? ! x YES: COMPENSATION FOR INCOME LOST ! TO PEOPLE OWNING THEIR PHONE ...................36.25 ______________!______________________________________________________________ TELEPHONE BOOK SURCHARGE @ .002 PER NAME IN THE BOOK ................21.37 LISTING YOUR OWN NAME IN THE PHONE BOOK ..............................5.20 LISTING YOUR OWN NAME IN THE PHONE BOOK CORRECTLY ...................10.40 PHONE CORD FEE @ $1/FOOT ............................................14.00 FEE FOR THE DIGITS ON THE TELEPHONE ($1 FOR #1, $2 FOR #2, ETC) .....45.00 _____________________________________________________________________________ DIRECTORY ASSISTANCE @ $9/EA PLUS $7/EA FOR DISTURBING THE OPERATORS 32.00 SURCHARGE FOR THE RINGING OF YOUR PHONE ON EACH CALL @ 20c/RING .....23.60 SURCHARGE TO DEFRAY COSTS OF APPLYING TO THE PUC FOR NEW RATE HIKES .14.88 OOPS! ALMOST FORGOT/CHARGES FOR THE PHONE CALLS THEMSELVES .........242.96 _____________________________________________________________________________ TOTAL CHARGES DUE ........653.13 _____________________________________________________________________________ THANK YOU FOR DOING BUSINESS WITH US...BUT THEN WHAT CHOICE DO YOU HAVE? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... You've ever cut your grass and found a car. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. You own a homemade fur coat. You burn your front yard instead of mow it. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. When describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick." Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos." You've ever given rat traps as a gift. You always answer the front door with a baseball bat in your hand. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. You've never paid for a haircut. There is a wasp nest in your living room. The taillight covers on your car are made of tape. Your car has never had a full tank of gas. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home. You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape. Your kid takes a siphon hose to "Show & Tell." You've ever bought a used cap. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." You've ever shot a deer from inside your house. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes. You can entertain yourself for more than 1 hour with a fly swatter. You've ever stolen toilet paper. Your baby's favorite teething ring is a garden hose. Your pocket knife has ever been refered to as "Exhibit A." Your wife ever burned out an electric razor. You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer. Your Xmas cards include a Xerox copy of your butt. Your bumper stick says "My other car is a combine." Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. You prefer car keys to Q-tips. People are scared to touch your bathrobe. You list your parole officer as a reference. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Job Performance Appraisal PERFORMANCE DEGREES PERFORMANCE FACTORS: ----- Far Exceeds Job Requirements ----- Exceeds Job Requirements ----- Meets Job Requirements ----- Does Not Meet Minimum Requirements QUALITY: ----- Leaps tall buildings with a single bound. ----- Must take a running start to leap over tall buildings. ----- Can only leap over short buildings or medium with no spirals. ----- Crashes into buildings when attempting to jump over them. ----- Cannot recognize buildings at all what's more cannot jump. TIMELINESS: ----- Is faster than a speeding bullet. ----- Is as fast as a speeding bullet. ----- Not as fast as a speeding bullet. ----- Would you believe a slow bullet. ----- Wounds self with bullet when attempting to shoot. INITIATIVE: ----- Is stronger than a locomotive. ----- Is stronger than a bull elephant. ----- Is stronger than a bull. ----- Shoots the bull. ----- Smells like a bull. ADAPTIBILITY: ----- Walks on water. ----- Walks on water in emergencies. ----- Washes with water. ----- Drinks water. ----- Passes water in emergencies. COMMUNICATION: ----- Talks with God. ----- Talks with the Angels. ----- Talks to himself. ----- Argues with himself. ----- Loses arguments with self. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- DETERIORATA (With apologies to Desiderata) - GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE & WASTE. REMEMBER WHAT COMFORT THERE MAY BE IN OWNING A PIECE THEREOF. - AVOID QUIET & PASSIVE PERSONS UNLESS YOU ARE IN NEED OF SLEEP. - ROTATE YOUR TIRES. - SPEAK GLOWINGLY OF THOSE GREATER THAN YOURSELF AND HEED WELL THIER ADVICE EVEN THOUGH THEY BE TURKEYS. - KNOW WHAT TO KISS & WHEN. - CONSIDER THAT TWO WRONGS NEVER MAKE A RIGHT BUT THAT THREE DO. - WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PUT PEOPLE ON HOLD. - BE COMFORTED THAT IN THE FACE OF ALL ARIDITY & DISILLUSIONMENT AND DESPITE THE CHANGING OF FORTUNES OF TIME, THERE IS ALWAYS A BIG FORTUNE IN COMPUTER MAINTAINENCE. - REMEMBER THE PUEBLO. - STRIVE AT ALL TIMES TO BEND, FOLD, SPINDLE & MUTILATE. - KNOW YOURSELF; IF YOU NEED HELP, CALL THE F.B.I. - EXERCISE CAUTION IN YOUR DAILY AFFAIRS, ESPECIALLY WITH THOSE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO YOU. THAT LEMON ON YOUR LEFT, FOR INSTANCE. - BE ASSURED THAT A WALK THROUGH THE OCEANS OF MOST SOULS WOULD SCARCELY GET YOUR FEET WET. - FALL NOT IN LOVE THEREFORE, IT WILL STICK TO YOUR FACE. - GRACEFULLY SURRENDER THE THINGS OF YOUTH, BIRDS, CLEAN AIR, TUNA, TAIWAN; AND LET NOT THE SANDS OF TIME GET IN YOUR LUNCH. - HIRE PEOPLE WITH HOOKS. - FOR A GOOD TIME CALL 606-4311, ASK FOR KEN. - TAKE HEART AMID THE DEEPENING GLOOM THAT YOUR DOG IS FINALLY GETTING ENOUGH CHEESE; AND REFLECT THAT WHATEVER MISFORTUNE MAY BE YOUR LOT, IT COULD ONLY BE WORSE IN MILWAUKEE. - YOU ARE A FLUKE OF THE UNIVERSE; YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE HERE, AND WHETHER YOU CAN HEAR IT OR NOT, THE UNIVERSE IS LAUGHING BEHIND YOUR BACK. THEREFORE MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR GOD WHATEVER YOU CONCEIVE HIM TO BE; HAIRY THUNDERER OR COSMIC MUFFIN. - WITH ALL ITS HOPES, DREAMS, PROMISES & URBAN RENEWAL, THE WORLD CONTINUES TO DETERIORATE. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLACK WHO: Spent four days in Sears looking for wheels for a miscarriage? Took his expectant wife to the grocery store because they had free delivery? Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game? Put iodine on his paycheck because he got a cut in pay? Was so lazy he married a pregnant woman? Thought asphalt was rectum trouble? Wouldn't go out with his wife because he heard she was married? Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period? Thought "no kidding" meant birth control? Studied for five days to take a urine test? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Real Programmers - Real Programmers don't eat quiche. In Fact, real programmers can't even spell quiche. They eat Twinkies, Szechwan [sic] food, and drink Pabst. - Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs that work at all -- and take what they get. - Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. - Real Programmers don't write application programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for accounting feebs who can't do systems programming. - Real Programmers don't write COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy application programmers. - Real Programmers don't write FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and cyrstallography weenies. - Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after the age of 12. - Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for those twinks who can't decide whether to write in FORTRAN or COBOL. - Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or C, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories. - Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if real programmers can get their supervisor to throw them on the machine and everyone else off, their programs can be patched into working in 'only a few' 30 hour debugging sessions. - Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck. - Real Programmers don't play tennis, or racket ball, or any other sport that requires them to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers will wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. - Real Programmers don't work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 AM, it's because they were there all night ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two girls were roommates. One evening, Millie came running in, shedding clothes on the way to the bathroom. She yelled, "Hurry up Tillie, get ready for our date!" Tillie didn't know anything about the date and said so. Millie explained that she'd met two really great looking guys and had made dates for both of them for that evening. Tillie said, "I'm not going out on any more blind dates." "Why not?" "They're always the same," said Tillie, "It's sex, sex, sex! Nothing but a pain in the ass!" Millie looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, "Honey, you're doing it wrong!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEAR (Your Choice) I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and if you are, I will have some special treats for you this year at XMAS. I cannot promise you all the gifts from the twelve days of XMAS this year as the twelve fiddlers have all come down with the clap from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a-leaping have knocked up the eight maids a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things with the seven swans a-swiming. The six geese alaying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and that damn partridge in the pear tree have me up to my ass in bird shit. On top of that, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reinder are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation Front, and those stupid polacks have scheduled Xmas for 5 February. SANTA ------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're a redneck when people see your porch and think you're having a yard sale. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Soon after the Texas Aggie clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When the Aggie returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hyng low. His foreman noticed and asked if he had recieved bad news. "Shure was Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning. "Gosh, thats awful," replied the foreman "Do you want the rest of the day off?" "No," replied the Aggie. "I'll finish the day out." About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him up front. This time when the Aggie returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright. "Jezz, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life," moaned the Aggie. "That was my brother, and his mother died today too!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this frog on a lily pad, in the middle of a pond, surrounded by alligators. He didn't want to be eaten but he couldn't think of a way to get to edge of the pond without being gobbled up. Then, as he was about to give up, he looked up. Up in a tree was an owl. He called to the owl and asked, "Mr. Owl, I am stuck on a lily pad in the middle of this pond, surrounded by alligators. How can I get to the edge of the pond without being eaten?" The owl looked down at the frog and said, "Well Mr. Frog, it is obvious. You should fly off your lily pad to the edge of the pond." Hearing this, the frog began to flap his arms frantically. He then leaped into the air so as to fly to the edge of the pond. But instead he fell right into the open mouth of a nearby alligator. Just before the alligator closed his mouth, the frog shouted up to the owl in the tree, "Mr. Owl, didn't you know that frogs can't fly?" The owl responded, "I do concepts, not implementation." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?" Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter?" The Man says, "Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out he's gay." Joe says, "Man that's terrible," and gives the man his whiskey and beer. Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar... He walks in and says, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?" Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter this time?" The man says, "Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out that HE'S gay." Joe says, "Man, that's a damn shame," and fixes him up with the beer and whiskey. Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says, "Joe, I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in the house!" Joe says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family love women?" The man says, "Yeah, I just found out my wife does..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The dare devil stunt woman had lost her balance. The psychiatrist was attempting to establish a friendly relationship to facilitate treatment. "Tell me about your work," he said. "What do you do?" "Well," said the stunt woman, "I jump off cliffs, I wrestle man-eating lions, I swim under water for fifteen minutes at a time and jump out of moving helicopters." "My gosh! How to you manage to *live*?" "I take in laundry." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Just once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're a redneck if your sister stands you up for a date to go out with your Dad! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pointing to the bear rug on his den floor, a hunter told a friend, "I got this one in Canada. It was either him or me." The friend said, "Well, he makes a better rug!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Four Indian chiefs went into a restaurant for a bite. The maitre d' asked, "Do you have a reservation?" One Indian chief answered, "Certainly. In Arizona!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHURCH BLOOPERS: Wednesday at 7:30 there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please meet with the minister in his study. All members are invited to a potluck supper on Wednesday at 6:00. Prayer and medication will follow. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow. Tuesday at 5 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early. This being Easter, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy." The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's this guy in a bar that's saying he knows everybody, and will bet anybody on it. So this guy walks up and says, "I bet you don't know Burt Rynolds." He says come on, they hop a plane to Florida, show up at Burt's door and Burt says, "Hi Bubba, how have you been? Come on in!" On the flight back home the guy says, "I'll bet you another $100 you don't know Bill Clinton." So they catch a flight to D.C. Sure enough the walk into the oval office and Bill says "Hi Bubba, what are you doing here? It's real nice to see you again!" On the flight back home he says to Bubba,"I'll bet you double or nothing you don't know the Pope." Bubba says "Look I don't really want to take your money, me and the Pope go back a long way. Really, pick somebody else." Figuring he's got Bubba on this one, he insists, so they board a plane for Rome. When they get to Vatican City, Bubba tells the guy, "Look, they aren't going to let you in here with me. Stand right here and in 10 minutes I'll be on that balcony with the Pope." After a little squabble he agrees. Sure enough 10 mins. later there's Bubba on the balcony with the Pope. Bubba looks down to see the guy passed out on the ground. He runs down to see what's wrong and the guy says, "OK, you know Burt Rynolds, you know the President, but when the guy behind me said, 'Hey, who's that guy up there with Bubba' I passed out!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A rancher owned 900 cows and three bulls. The biggest bull had 500 cows, the middle bull 300 and the smallest had 100. One day they overheard the rancher talking about getting a new bull. The biggest bull said, "I ain't giving up any of mine, so you two be ready to lose some of yours." The middle one said he wasn't giving up any, and so did the smallest bull. Several days later, a cattle truck pulled into the pasture and stopped. Right away it began shaking and rocking until the entire rear came flying off and our roared the biggest, meanest brama bull ever seen. The three bulls looked at it in amazement and the big bull said, "Oh heck, I may be willing to share some of my cows." The middle bull agreed. The smallest bull began pawing the ground and snorting. The biggest bull looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? look at the size of that sucker!" The small bull answered, "I don't want to fight him. I just want to make sure he knows I'm not a cow!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- During the 7-day Arab-Israeli war, the opposing armies were camped extremely close to one another on the first night of the war. One Israeli yelled out: "Hey Abdul, are you there?" On the Arab side, Abdul stood up and said "Yeah?" The Israelis took out their machine guns and mowed down Abdul. The second night, another Israeli yelled out, "Hey Mohammed, are you there?" On the Arab side, Mohammed stood up and said "Yeah?" The Israelis took out their machine guns and mowed down Mohammed. On the third night, the Arabs got smart. One of them yelled "Hey Moshe, are you there?" The Israelis yelled back, "No, Moshe isn't here but is that you, Achmed?" Achmed stood up and said "Yeah?" and the Israelis took out the machine guns and mowed down Achmed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?" "Oh dear, now the chef has no meat to put in your entree!" "You mean that you didn't order the Chef's Surprise soup, sir?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***** THE BELCHING DRAGON RESTAURANT MENU ***** 50 Lbs Rice With Every Order Free can soda with orders over $100. Chinese Food To Eat In Or Take Out Soups Dropped Egg Soup................1.75 * One Ton Soup....................1.75 Hot & Scalding Soup.............2.25 Ten Ingredients Water...........3.25 Sweet and Salmonella Soup.......2.95 * Chinese Fire Drill Soup.........2.50 * Happy Bacteria Cup..............2.50 Appetizers Steam-Cleaned Dumplings.........3.95 * Burn Your Tongue Platter........8.95 Barbecued Bear Ribs.............6.30 * Scallion Cow Pancakes (For Two) 2.95 MSG With Orange Flavor..........4.95 Noodles * Cellophane Noodles with Styrofoam Peanuts...............5.50 Cold Noodles in Sesame Sauce....3.50 Some Glum Noodles...............8.25 No Fun Noodles..................4.75 Pork New Shoe Pork...................6.75 Roasted Pork in Shriner Hat.....6.95 Recently Shampooed Pork.........6.95 Andrew Diced Pork...............9.75 * Roast Pork Puppy Chow...........7.25 * Porky Pig Cartoonese Style......7.50 Pork And Mindy..................6.75 Vegetables * Broccoli in Human Sauce.........5.95 Shredded Documents with Peking sauce.............5.25 * Bean Crud with Special Rotting Fungus.........6.25 * Snow Shovel with Peas...........7.75 Egg Neil Young Green Beans with Black Bean Sauce..............4.95 Black Beans with Green Bean Suace..............5.95 Eggplant Prepared Under Mysterious Circumstances......5.95 * Baby Corn with Adoption Papers..4.95 Vegetables with Tingling Horse Flavor.........5.50 Poultry San Diego Chicken with Pine Tar..................6.25 Battering Ram Chicken...........6.25 Peeking Daffy Duck..............7.50 * Lemon Pledge Chicken............6.25 Amazing Talking Chicken.........8.75 * Tongue Licked Duck..............7.50 Chicken & Grief.................6.25 Duck Edwing Prepared in Questionable Taste............6.25 * Chicken Escaping With Wings.....7.75 Mocked Duck.....................7.25 * General Schwarzkopf Chicken.....6.75 Goofy Grinning Chicken..........6.75 Innocent Bystander Chicken......6.25 Moo Goo Guy Williams............8.75 * Moo Goo Guy Molinari............8.25 Moo Goo Guy Pan & Teller in Disappearing Sauce..........4.50 Beef Air-Dropped Beef................6.85 Double Chin Beef................6.85 * Beef with More Beef.............7.75 * Carnage Of Beef.................6.85 Sizzling Wanton Beef............6.85 Beef And Dried Pepper Spilled on Lap.................9.25 Beef with Bad News..............8.85 * Great Barrier Beef..............6.85 * What's Your Beef................7.25 Seafood Squished Eel Delight............8.50 * Shrimp with Alibi...............8.25 Young Dead Fish.................9.25 Crispy Fish with Discarded Needle...............9.95 * Prawns in L.L. Bean Sauce.......7.50 Aromatic Octopus On Wheels.....10.50 Force Fed Shrimp................7.75 * Flounder with Water Pistol......8.95 Desserts Unfortunate Cookies.............2.50 Sweet Fried Rolaids.............3.95 Ice Cream with Garlic Sauce.....2.75 * Boneless Pudding................3.50 Chicken Almond Ring Ding........3.95 CHEF'S SPECIALS Sesame Streeet Duck..............11.75 Choice chunks of undernourished fowl pelted with waterchestnuts and stir- fried in a sizzling wok by popular Muppets. Overpriced Happy Family..........14.25 Scallops, crabmeat and psychotropic mushrooms sauteed with fresh chef's thumbs and served on a Sealy Posturpedic. Tienanmen Square Beef............17.75 Oppressed young beef, severely battered, crushed with bamboo shoots and brutally smothered as you watch from your table on a big screen. Health Inspector's Seafood Delight......FREE!!! Fresh lobster, shrimp and prawns expertly prepared in the clean Mexican restaurant down the block, brought in through our back door and served with a crisp fifty dollar bill rolled in a napkin. (Must be ordered in advance.) Cashier will change shirt at your request. * = May not be edible ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drinkwiski is working at the lumberyard pushing a tree through the buzz saw when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor takes a look and goes, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." Drinkwiski says, "I haven't got the fingers. " The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? Its 1993! We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques! We could have put them back on and made you like new! WHY didnt you bring the fingers???" Drinkwiski says, "Well, geez doc, I couldnt pick 'em up." -------------------------------------------------------------------------