LANGUAGES TO LOOK OUT FOR Courtesy of an informed source- APL, BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN, PASCAL, RPG ...These programming languages are well known and (more or less) loved throughout the computer industry. There are numerous other languages, however, that are less well-known yet still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure languages --- and why they are obscure --- we present the following catalogue. C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low level" programming language. In general, the language requires more C- statements than machine code instructions to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. DOGO Developed at MIOT (Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training). DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include SIT, HEEL, STAY, PLAY-DEAD, and ROLLOVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves deposits as it travels across the screen. FIFTH FIFTH is a precise mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantities. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER, to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, CANADIAN, COORS, BUD, EVERCLEAR, AND WHAT-EVERS-AROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP, LAFITE, and WAITERS-RECOMMENDATION. The GUTTER dialect commands include THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE, and HOUSE-RED. The GUTTER dialect is a particular favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers, who end up using this language. LAIDBACK This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness, and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and non-threatening language (all of its error messages are in lower case). For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message: i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can you find the time to try it again? LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set. Programmers and users must therefore substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in prothething lithtth. This language was developed in California, but is now widely used in Washington, D.C. It is the current subset of the international bureaucratic language known as DOUBLESPEAK. Commands include REVENUE-ENHANCEMENT, STOCKMAN, CAPWEINBERGER, MALCOMB-BALDRIDGE, CABINET, CHOP-WOOD, LAXALT and SCENARIO. WATT and BURFORD have been removed from the commands, while there is a current effort to add MEESE. The operating system used is NEW-RIGHT and the designated memory is THE-RANCH. COMMIES (program bugs) are removed with the GRENADA command. A REAGAN program commences with LANDSLIDE and terminates with SENILITY. SARTE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTE programmers tend to be boring and depressing and are no fun at parties. SIMPLE SIMPLE is the acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at Hanover College for Technological misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END, and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. SLOBOL SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or the lack of it, of the compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, the SLOBOL compile allows you to travel to Columbia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. VALGOL From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTAL operators. Other operators include the California Booleans, AX and NOWAY. Repetitions of the code are handled in FOR-SURE loops. Here is a sample program: LIKE Y*KNOW (IMEAN) START IF PIZZA=LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY=LIKE TUBULAR AND VALLEY GIRL=LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 DO*WAH-(DITTY**2) BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) SURE LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM REALLY LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) IM*SURE GOTO THE MALL VALGO is characterized by its unfriendly error messages...for example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: GAG ME WITH A SPOON! (This article originally appeared in the DEC APL SIG newsletter THE SPECIAL CHARACTER SET and has gathered steam ever since.)