_ | \ | \ | | \ __ | |\ \ __ _____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________ | ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ | | | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | | | | /________/ | | / / /________/ | | | | | | / / | | | | | |/ / | | | | | | / | | | | | / | | | | |_/ | | | | | | | | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | | | |________________________________________________________________| | |____________________________________________________________________| ...presents... My Bug-Pal by Nik 06/01/1996-#316 __///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__ \\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \/////// ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ |___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___| The fourteen-headed cockroach crawled out of my rectum and began demanding rights of all sorts. It was four o'clock in the morning. A team of media weasels smashed down the door, flipped me on to my stomach, and proceeded to conduct an interview. "I vant a smull bowl of chili!" the cockroach bellowed in a strange German accent. "We're live on location!" drooled the media weasels. I went back to sleep. Hours later, the cockroach's demands had been met. He had his chili, several high-powered rifles, and a very expensive and elaborate computer system. All this in exchange for his story, which he sold to _The National Enquirer_. Weeks later, _The National Enquirer_ ran the story: "14-Headed Cockroach Lives in Rectum for Four Months!" "Four months?!" I screamed, "You only paid rent for three, you bastard bug!" He was snotty. "Don't fook vit me, buddy, I bin a fooking meedia EVENT!" I threatened the bug's life, and soon the fourteen-headed cockroach had his lawyer on the phone. The lease was broken and the cockroach went and moved into the armpit of a Russian chess player who lived across town. Two years later, a phone call awoke me in the middle of the night. It was the fourteen-headed cockroach, now reduced to twelve heads due to a bar-room brawl. He was drunk and depressed. He threatened to kill himself if I didn't help him. I told him to screw off. "Go ahead!" I screamed. "Kill yourself! See if I care! I was furious, sleepy, and glad the bug was out of my life. I was out of control. If I'd only known what my words forced the fourteen (twelve)-headed cockroach to do. He killed himself by leaping into the open mouth of a sleeping woman. She chewed and swallowed, unaware. She was an innocent tool of the cockroach. I only found out because of a letter he sent me. It was a suicide note. "Der Nik, Fook you. Zee verlde is a boig plez. I've lept intozee mout of a vomen by de time you getz diz. 14 headed cockroach" Tragedy comes in many forms. I'll never forget that fourteen-headed cockroach. To everyone else, he may have just been a _National Enquirer_ event. To me he was a friend, sort of. Actually, he was more of a jerk. Anyhow. If only it had been me who'd eaten him. Why, God, why? .-. _ _ .-. / \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \ / \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ / \ -/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\- / \ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ / \ WORLDWIDE \ / `-' (U) `-' \ / WORLDWIDE `-' .ooM `-' _ Oooo / ) __ /)(\ ( \ Copyright (c)1996 Nik and cDc communications. / (/\ \__/ ) / All rights reserved. Award-winning CULT OF THE DEAD COW \ ) \)(/ (_/ is published by cDc communications, P.O. Box 53011, oooO _ oooO Lubbock, TX, 79453, US of A. Edited by Swamp Ratte'. __ ( \ / ) /)(\ / \ ) \ \ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( / \_) "THE COW WALKS AMONGST US" Oooo