________________________________________________ | | | --| The Art of Slurpee Running |-- | | | | A step-by-step guide to this infamous art of | | attaining and downing the ever-popular Slurpee | | | | _| Witnessed by: Ambush Bug |_ | | | Performed by: D.O.A. Inc | | |________________________________________________| ______________________________________________________________________________ Chapter I: An Introduction Into the Art of Slurpee Running ______________________________________________________________________________ The Slurpee Run -- one of the world's greatest adventures, this American pastime is an activity well worth further investigation. First off, I'd like to state, however, that this corporation does NOT condone counterfiet Runs, ONLY Runs for a GENUINE Slurpee, no cheap imitations like Frozen Cokes found in K-Mart...(tells a little of their quality there, eh?)...ONLY genuine Runs are acceptable, none other will be tolerated. As all know, the practice of conducting a Slurpee Run is a pilgrammage which many an American undertakes almost daily. This documentary is directed towards the education of modern Americans towards that purpose -- to better ones Slurping Skills, and to prevent faulty running for the same... ______________________________________________________________________________ Chapter II: Arriving at the Selected Slurpee Sanctuary ______________________________________________________________________________ The first step in correctly performing a Slurpee Run is the most critical one. It is imperative that this step be perfectly executed, down to the most minute detail. This step is, quite simply, arriving at the desired Slurpee Haven. Upon discovering ones craving for a Slurpee, you must find the most efficient and economical means of getting there, so that the money you save on Running can be used to purchase yet more of this brilliant bi-composed beverage. To plot the most economical means of transporting oneself to the desired Slurpee Outpost, mapping out your city is highly recommended. Using a compass and a straightedge T-square, this can be easily accomplished. As everyone knows, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Therefore, just sketch this line from your originating point, (usually your home), to the desired destination. Then plot your RunRoute by using the roads which follow this line most closely, as this will give you the shortest possible path to the desired Slurpee Shop. Although this may be the shortest route to the preferred Slurpee Outpost, it may not be the quickest nor the most efficient route, however, due to some traffic congestion or construction work. So... To avoid this problem, and to make your Run a tad more exciting, reroute your RunRoute through less travelled and more densely populated areas, like subdivisions, parking lots, and backyards. Many of the best RunRoutes have proven to exist through these areas. The latter example is probably the most advantageous RunSite, as there are so many possible time bonuses in the form of big wheels, trees, gardens, small dogs, and, of course, little kiddies. A successful collision with any of these objects results in a time bonus which may be subtracted from your overall RunTime. An extensive UPS chart can be found near the end of the "Advanced Slurpist's Handbook" which displays the Universal Point System...or the values for various objects and personnel. In many cases, the speed of the collision, the time at which the collision took place, and the full damage done upon impact are taken into account when one is determining the bonus awarded, so don't forget to take notes on these crucial qualities. So, more densely populated areas such as schoolyards, playgrounds, and apartment complexes should be taken into consideration when plotting out your RunRoute, as bonus points can significantly improve your RunTime. These points can be legally obtained, as, when one is making a Slurpee Run, all laws and rules are altered a bit -- anything and everything which might in any way assist your Run is made legal, and nothing is illegal. So, obviously, while one is on a Run, speed limits are, on the whole, ignored, and therefore should not be taken into consideration when plotting out your RunRoute. ______________________________________________________________________________ Chapter III: Proper Entry Procedure ______________________________________________________________________________ The next step is arriving at and entering into the Holy Land. It has been determined through trial-and-error that stopping the car before entering the store is most beneficial. Throw the car into

ark, and this should put the automobile into a "Go-no-more" mode, significantly lowering your current velocity. You need not worry about parking your vehicle legally. While on a Run, parallell parking on the sidewalk, curb, or bicycle rack is not only acceptable, but expected. Remember, however, that parking on stray animals or little children is worthy of bonus points, and should be taken into account when looking for a space. Entering the Slurpee-Worshippers Temple is a religious experience. It is a moral imperative to throw open the door upon entering. Plainly pushing open the door and walking inside is a religous insurrection which will NOT be tolerated by any sane Slurpist. It is NOW when you must decide what flavor you most desire. Are you going to take the conservative Cola choice, or try the more exotic flavor in the opposite dispenser? This decision must be made while you are in motion, lest precious time be wasted deciding later. By the time you reach the counter, you MUST know what you want, and you must have the EXACT change onhand. Too much time can be wasted waiting for the cashier to hand you your change, so you must avoid that situation by handing the cashier the exact amount needed. ______________________________________________________________________________ Chapter IV: Ordering and Serving the Slurpee -- Also, SelfServe! ______________________________________________________________________________ In the rush of performing an actual Slurpee Run, one's "order" may become slightly jumbled, or entirely unintelligible for that matter. This is not a problem, however, as the employees of 7-11 have been trained through previous orders to decipher such widely-used phrases as, "SlurpRun...CokeLargeNOW!", or, as in the case of more serious Slurpists, something a bit more confusing to the extent of, " Nnnngh!", accompanied by frantic motions towards the Sacred Slurpee machine and the stack of large cups. However, many newer 7-11s have installed some Self-Serve Slurpee Stands, which significantly deplete the amount of time which you must spend inside the Haven while attaining your Slurpee, as you can then serve yourself at your own pace, and don't have to worry about confused cashiers. Another advantage of this service is the wait in line. You don't have to go to the back of the line at all, but rather just toss the owed money to the cashier and leave, while the other, more "normal" customers, must wait to be serviced. ______________________________________________________________________________ Chapter V: Exiting and Departing the Haven Correctly ______________________________________________________________________________ As soon as you are served, exit as you entered. Speed is the MOST desired goal in this operation. The car door should already be open, the car should be in motion, and the driver should now be making his getaway from the Slurpee Synagogue. Many more experienced Slurpists, such as Acid Reign, Sid, and Riff Raff, prefer riding ATOP the vehicle, as they repeatedly insist that it is, indeed, the quickest way of "getting roadbound". However, if the next suggested step is performed it is strongly recommended that the Slurpist rides inside the vehicle...but, hey, it's up to you -- experiment! ______________________________________________________________________________ Chapter VI: Tips and Suggestions For a Quick and Clean GetAway ______________________________________________________________________________ Getting back onto the main road can prove to be difficult, and therefore may result in a MAJOR loss of time while one is forced to wait for the flow of traffic to slacken up. Therefore, the practice of "Forced Merging" now becomes extremely useful. When this is done, the Slurpist should be driving a very large, very nearly indestructable vehicle, such as a 1949 Cadillac hearse, (like the one owned by Bacardi and Acid Reign, for example) so that no permanent damage to your vehicle may be attained while performing this action. Lean on your horn, flip on your headlights, drop the accelerator, and you're off. Hopefully, the other cars will recognize that you are on a Slurpee Run, and will then allow you to merge into the flow of traffic. If not, then you simply "Force-Merge" your way onto the road. Sideswiping other vehicles causes minimal amounts of damage, and therefore is recommended as the best way to merge in. Direct contact may also be made, as long as the least amount of time is lost, and, of course, the Slurpees remain intact. ______________________________________________________________________________ Chapter VII: The AfterMath ______________________________________________________________________________ Once you have fully completed your Run, you may relax and turn off your stopwatch. What was your RunTime? Try to better it next Run. The most advantageous quality of this "sport," however, is not the inner feeling of accomplishment, but rather the aftermath...actually downing the Slurpee. This in itself is an art form, and carries with it many possible dangers. Probably the accident most often made is "ee" overpopulation. This occurs when the Slurpist becomes "Slurped Out", and all the "Slurp" has been downed, leaving just the "ee". This "ee" is colorless, odorless, flavorless, and is, in itself, quite a dangerous plaything, due to its frigid nature. You must exercise extreme caution when you down this part of the drink, lest you become afflicted with one of the many fatal Slurpee Sicknesses. A very comprehensive listing of these afflictions can be found inside the infamous "Slurpist's Medical Journal," which gives cures, preventive measures, and descriptions of over 50 illnesses caused by incorrect Slurping. Or, for online cures, just contact Slurpee Central at 1-800-SLURPEE where professional Slurpists are standing by to assist you. But remember, many of these afflictions are simply a result of "ee" overpopulation, so avoid this situation AT ALL COSTS. ______________________________________________________________________________ Chapter IX: In Conclusion... ______________________________________________________________________________ Remember, the habitual need to make a Slurpee Run is an essential part of human life. Many times, it ARRIVES to take possession of your soul at such Godforsaken hours as 5:00 AM, forcing you to hang up off of your favorite AE and make a Run...yet, be cautioned, many afflictions can become apparent upon attempting to incorrectly down a Slurpee -- be careful...many modern diseases do not yet have a cure, such as Slurpees, or freezing up of the testes region on the ride home due to the fact that you've noplace else to keep your Slurpee from spilling 'cept between your legs. Watch out...but don't forget to have fun and experiment with the various "traditional" modes of Slurpee Retrieval in order to discover your own... ______________________________________________________________________________ - Slurpee Running - is a TradeMark of DeadMan Operations and Activities, Inc. (K)opyWrong, 1985 -- D.O.A. All Rights Phucked ______________________________________________________________________________ [+] This Phile was Compiled by the Phollowing [+] Ambush Bug Riff Raff Acid Reign Sid Vicious ______________________________________________________________________________ <:> ...May You Never be Left With Just the "ee"... <:> ______________________________________________________________________________